News
ENLARGE
Our species is famous for jumping to conclusions — often incorrect conclusions.
Pastors, politicians and pundits are quick to denounce what they fear and don't understand.
On women's demand for the right to vote Winston Churchill said, “If we allow women to vote it will mean the loss of social structure. Women are well enough represented by their fathers, brothers, and husbands.”
Mark Twain said about the same issue, “Content yourself with your little feminine trifles — your babies, your benevolent societies and your knitting—and let your natural bosses do the voting.”
In reference to rock music, Pat Robertson said, “It's the new pornography.”
And most despicable, was what Jerry Falwell said of AIDS, “It's not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”
I would imagine some of those quoted eventually regretted their words. Often is the case that condemnation is more a product of ignorance than any thoughtful consideration.
So bearing that in mind I tried to stay objective when my buddy Earl called to brag about his new do-it-all toilet. “Biff, this thing is amazing! It cleans you, dries you, the seat is heated - all you have to do is sit there; you should see all the magazines I've read. I've even stopped eating cheese!”
According to Earl, (and others with more money that sense) the latest craze in bathroom luxury is the new breed of automatic wash and dry toilets complete with bidet, heated seat and remote control.
My good friend recently purchased one of these babies (for $650.00) and since then has been incessant (he will sometime call me while sitting on it) in both his praise of the product and abuse of me because I went on record saying I felt it was a foolish and indulgent purchase.
As additional punishment, Earl has been sending me updates and web links promoting his new toy as well as similar top end toilets—some from a site called ‘Performance Toilets.'
Essentially, what these new breeds of ‘smart toilets' do, is not only warm the seat with 5 temperature settings, but they clean and dry the client and deodorizes after each use. All without effort by the user and no bathroom tissue needed.
If Earl is to be believed, these commodes are the rage in many Asian nations (the birthplace of sushi) which was where my buddy encountered them. After only one test drive in Tokyo, Earl was hooked (not literally I hope).
I can't speak from any personal experience but according to the literature, this product is geared to “….those seeking the ultimate in pampering. A convenient remote control allows you to adjust seat and water temperature and pressure. With a soothing cycling action, the massage feature alternates between front and rear washing for maximum comfort and cleansing. Each unit comes complete with a convenient Wireless Remote Control with Large LCD Panel.”
(Why the need for a wireless remote control? Personally, I prefer to remain relatively near my toilet during use.)
As with most arguments of indulgence I quote Voltaire, “Best is the enemy of the good” and voiced my skepticism regarding both the need as well as the message that owning a smart toilet sends to the rest of the world.
“My God Earl, you work construction! Do you really think using a toilet the old fashioned way is that tiring and ineffecient?” Then I added, “bear in mind that in some other nations citizens are contending with starvation, genocide and drought - don't you think it is gross that you spend that much money on pure indulgence? Your toilet is indicative of all that is wrong with mankind.”
Obviously, I was going a little overboard; there is much more to fault mankind for beyond the invention of a toilet complete with “Massage Feature with Cycling Motion,
Warm Air Drying with Variable Three-Temperature Setting, Automatic Air Deodorizer,
And Heated Seat with Temperature Control.”
But though that being the case, I felt that with much of the world suffering, hungry and in danger it seems grossly unfair for those of us blessed by circumstance to be so lazy that we are too pampered to even deal with our basic bodily functions without the use of mechanisms, heat and hydraulics.
But then again, Mark Twain eventually changed his mind regarding his denunciation of Women's Suffrage. Earl has hinted that there might be a package in the mail from him to me. So hold onto your seats. My biggest worry then would be my wife getting hold of the remote control while I'm relaxing and reading a magazine………
Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of Biff America, can be seen on TV-8-Summit and read in several newspapers and magazines. He can be reached at biffbreck@yahoo.com.
Biff's book “Steep, Deep and Dyslexic” is available from local book stores or at BiffAmerica.net
Pastors, politicians and pundits are quick to denounce what they fear and don't understand.
On women's demand for the right to vote Winston Churchill said, “If we allow women to vote it will mean the loss of social structure. Women are well enough represented by their fathers, brothers, and husbands.”
Mark Twain said about the same issue, “Content yourself with your little feminine trifles — your babies, your benevolent societies and your knitting—and let your natural bosses do the voting.”
In reference to rock music, Pat Robertson said, “It's the new pornography.”
And most despicable, was what Jerry Falwell said of AIDS, “It's not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”
I would imagine some of those quoted eventually regretted their words. Often is the case that condemnation is more a product of ignorance than any thoughtful consideration.
So bearing that in mind I tried to stay objective when my buddy Earl called to brag about his new do-it-all toilet. “Biff, this thing is amazing! It cleans you, dries you, the seat is heated - all you have to do is sit there; you should see all the magazines I've read. I've even stopped eating cheese!”
According to Earl, (and others with more money that sense) the latest craze in bathroom luxury is the new breed of automatic wash and dry toilets complete with bidet, heated seat and remote control.
My good friend recently purchased one of these babies (for $650.00) and since then has been incessant (he will sometime call me while sitting on it) in both his praise of the product and abuse of me because I went on record saying I felt it was a foolish and indulgent purchase.
As additional punishment, Earl has been sending me updates and web links promoting his new toy as well as similar top end toilets—some from a site called ‘Performance Toilets.'
Essentially, what these new breeds of ‘smart toilets' do, is not only warm the seat with 5 temperature settings, but they clean and dry the client and deodorizes after each use. All without effort by the user and no bathroom tissue needed.
If Earl is to be believed, these commodes are the rage in many Asian nations (the birthplace of sushi) which was where my buddy encountered them. After only one test drive in Tokyo, Earl was hooked (not literally I hope).
I can't speak from any personal experience but according to the literature, this product is geared to “….those seeking the ultimate in pampering. A convenient remote control allows you to adjust seat and water temperature and pressure. With a soothing cycling action, the massage feature alternates between front and rear washing for maximum comfort and cleansing. Each unit comes complete with a convenient Wireless Remote Control with Large LCD Panel.”
(Why the need for a wireless remote control? Personally, I prefer to remain relatively near my toilet during use.)
As with most arguments of indulgence I quote Voltaire, “Best is the enemy of the good” and voiced my skepticism regarding both the need as well as the message that owning a smart toilet sends to the rest of the world.
“My God Earl, you work construction! Do you really think using a toilet the old fashioned way is that tiring and ineffecient?” Then I added, “bear in mind that in some other nations citizens are contending with starvation, genocide and drought - don't you think it is gross that you spend that much money on pure indulgence? Your toilet is indicative of all that is wrong with mankind.”
Obviously, I was going a little overboard; there is much more to fault mankind for beyond the invention of a toilet complete with “Massage Feature with Cycling Motion,
Warm Air Drying with Variable Three-Temperature Setting, Automatic Air Deodorizer,
And Heated Seat with Temperature Control.”
But though that being the case, I felt that with much of the world suffering, hungry and in danger it seems grossly unfair for those of us blessed by circumstance to be so lazy that we are too pampered to even deal with our basic bodily functions without the use of mechanisms, heat and hydraulics.
But then again, Mark Twain eventually changed his mind regarding his denunciation of Women's Suffrage. Earl has hinted that there might be a package in the mail from him to me. So hold onto your seats. My biggest worry then would be my wife getting hold of the remote control while I'm relaxing and reading a magazine………
Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of Biff America, can be seen on TV-8-Summit and read in several newspapers and magazines. He can be reached at biffbreck@yahoo.com.
Biff's book “Steep, Deep and Dyslexic” is available from local book stores or at BiffAmerica.net
