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ENLARGE
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world's only daily column with a pocket full of change.
We've been stocking up on snow cones, funnel cakes and a bomb-diggity cheesesteak sandwich (loaded with jalapenos, onions, shrooms, nacho cheese and mustard) at the holiday stands in lovely Summit County.
During normal life, there's usually not more than a dollar or two in our wallets.
We're bad about spending the green stuff and prefer to use a credit card — which is more eco-friendly anyway as long as they don't print out three receipts.
But with all the summer festivals and celebrations, we've had to dip into the ATM with its vicious user fees to get capital that's actually accepted at the aromatic food stands.
But when the party's over, it leaves us with a bunch of dimes, nickels and even pennies that make our pockets bulge and can't really buy anything in such quantities.
Quarters come in handy for laundry and our $1 per-can Coke machine (ouch, right?).
But honestly, it's tough to think something worth carrying a heavy sack of pennies.
Say you want to go buy a sandwich with chips and a drink at some local joint. You're usually safe if you bring $10.
New pennies (pressed after 1982) each weigh 2.5 grams.
There are 1,000 pennies in $10.
So when you go to pay the clerk, you'll be carrying a whopping, 5.5 pound sack of 97.6 percent zinc.
Is that even healthy?
Regardless, we doubt this would even fit in the front pocket of our largest set of overalls.
The most fun we ever had with a penny was when we were children playing near train tracks.
When the toot of the horn echoed from beyond the hill, we'd jam our dirt-covered hand in the pocket to retrieve a shiny image of Lincoln's mug.
The train smooshed the penny flat so we could bend it around. It may have been an illegal defacement of government-issued tender.
But so what? It's a damn penny.
And maybe it's not illegal. We also got one at Six Flags that had our favorite roller coaster on it.
If everyone destroyed all the pennies, maybe life would be simpler.
***
For those who are doomed to fail at rock, paper, scissors — pennies can be a worthy tool for determining fate by chance.
We spoke with our new house-mates about this tactic — or drawing straws or burning a tortoise shell — to decide who gets which room.
But the next time we were alone, we sat and contemplated whether chance was the way to go with this one.
Nah. Life's about competition: determining one's own fate to be the happier, fitter, wealthier, more productive animal.
It would seem also to offer a reproductive edge in an evolutionary sense, but we still haven't decided whether we believe in evolution.
So we digress. Anyhow, we emerged from our meditative isolation to stake a claim for the best room in the house.
The others are welcome to take their chances at fate, but we've already taken care of our own, thanks.
***
It just started raining for the 62nd time this year, but we're going to continue with a segue into summer recreation.
The Slip ‘n Slide is the greatest water toy because it's portable and can be placed on nearly any grassy surface.
We plan to get one when it's summery outside.
There are rocks everywhere in our yard.
What happens when you slide over a jagged rock?
Can it rip through and disembowel an unsuspecting man or woman?
Is there some kind of all-terrain Slip ‘n Slide that can travel down scree to wild rivers? That would be pretty rad.
***
It's Sunday and we're feeling hypocritical.
After five years of griping about people using question marks in columns, we just used six? Seven.
We've been stocking up on snow cones, funnel cakes and a bomb-diggity cheesesteak sandwich (loaded with jalapenos, onions, shrooms, nacho cheese and mustard) at the holiday stands in lovely Summit County.
During normal life, there's usually not more than a dollar or two in our wallets.
We're bad about spending the green stuff and prefer to use a credit card — which is more eco-friendly anyway as long as they don't print out three receipts.
But with all the summer festivals and celebrations, we've had to dip into the ATM with its vicious user fees to get capital that's actually accepted at the aromatic food stands.
But when the party's over, it leaves us with a bunch of dimes, nickels and even pennies that make our pockets bulge and can't really buy anything in such quantities.
Quarters come in handy for laundry and our $1 per-can Coke machine (ouch, right?).
But honestly, it's tough to think something worth carrying a heavy sack of pennies.
Say you want to go buy a sandwich with chips and a drink at some local joint. You're usually safe if you bring $10.
New pennies (pressed after 1982) each weigh 2.5 grams.
There are 1,000 pennies in $10.
So when you go to pay the clerk, you'll be carrying a whopping, 5.5 pound sack of 97.6 percent zinc.
Is that even healthy?
Regardless, we doubt this would even fit in the front pocket of our largest set of overalls.
The most fun we ever had with a penny was when we were children playing near train tracks.
When the toot of the horn echoed from beyond the hill, we'd jam our dirt-covered hand in the pocket to retrieve a shiny image of Lincoln's mug.
The train smooshed the penny flat so we could bend it around. It may have been an illegal defacement of government-issued tender.
But so what? It's a damn penny.
And maybe it's not illegal. We also got one at Six Flags that had our favorite roller coaster on it.
If everyone destroyed all the pennies, maybe life would be simpler.
***
For those who are doomed to fail at rock, paper, scissors — pennies can be a worthy tool for determining fate by chance.
We spoke with our new house-mates about this tactic — or drawing straws or burning a tortoise shell — to decide who gets which room.
But the next time we were alone, we sat and contemplated whether chance was the way to go with this one.
Nah. Life's about competition: determining one's own fate to be the happier, fitter, wealthier, more productive animal.
It would seem also to offer a reproductive edge in an evolutionary sense, but we still haven't decided whether we believe in evolution.
So we digress. Anyhow, we emerged from our meditative isolation to stake a claim for the best room in the house.
The others are welcome to take their chances at fate, but we've already taken care of our own, thanks.
***
It just started raining for the 62nd time this year, but we're going to continue with a segue into summer recreation.
The Slip ‘n Slide is the greatest water toy because it's portable and can be placed on nearly any grassy surface.
We plan to get one when it's summery outside.
There are rocks everywhere in our yard.
What happens when you slide over a jagged rock?
Can it rip through and disembowel an unsuspecting man or woman?
Is there some kind of all-terrain Slip ‘n Slide that can travel down scree to wild rivers? That would be pretty rad.
***
It's Sunday and we're feeling hypocritical.
After five years of griping about people using question marks in columns, we just used six? Seven.
