Home
News
ENLARGE
I'm no scientist, but I'm about 90 percent sure rabbits don't lay eggs. I could say it's a fact, but then, how do we explain the Easter Bunny, huh? Dude lays eggs, right? And, wait, that's weird, too, because why does a male bunny supposedly lay eggs? Is the Easter Bunny a girl? If it is, then who the heck is Peter Cottontail? How does he come into this?
This situation had me really confused, then I saw a commercial for a new movie about the Easter Bunny. It turns out he doesn't lay eggs — at least not in the ad. He simply leaves jelly beans as droppings.
Ooooh ... wait, what?
The way we celebrate Easter doesn't make a whole lot of sense: We dye eggs, hunt for chocolate, go to church, go to brunch, eat a ham, fly a kite and then crash in the middle of the living-room floor at about 4:47 p.m. after coming down from a massive sugar high.
(Note: Maybe kites aren't actually part of an average Easter, but I remember doing that one year as a kid. It might be the only time I've actually flown a kite in my life. It might have also been National Kite Flying Day and not Easter. I'm not exactly sure.)
As we all know, today is Easter Sunday, which is exactly two days after Good Friday, 40 days after Ash Wednesday and 37,082 days after the Cubs won the 1908 World Series.
And in honor of Easter, here are some things in sports that relate to the holiday. That is today, all of them are pretty strange, but we've gotten so used to it that we barely even notice.
Here we go ...
Celebrations drenched in beer. Any time in my life that I've woken up reeking of beer, my first thought is either: a) Crap, do I still have all my teeth?; or b) Crap, do I still have any money? Never have the words “winning” or “championship” entered my mind. Yet, when a team wins a title, we see them drowning in either champagne (for teams in big markets) or PBR (for the rest of the world). When pro athletes wake up reeking of booze, they have images of the Stanley Cup in their head. Or they just think, “Man, I'm glad I'm Miguel Cabrera.”
The designated hitter. Maybe it's because I'm a National League guy. Maybe it's simply because I think athletes in sports should have to, you know, actually play their sport. Either way, nothing makes less sense than the designated-hitter rule in the American League. In no other sport are there different rules between conferences, divisions or leagues. And, there is no equivalent in any other sport. Actually now that I think about it, isn't pretty much every single NBA player a designated shooter? I mean, they don't play defense, and it's not like they're expected to pass. Hmmm ...
The WNBA. Not sure I need to explain this at all.
Tiger Woods' name is Tiger Woods. If I met someone in day-to-day life named “Lion” or “Bear,” I'd find it a little strange. But, somehow, when the world's best golfer is named “Tiger,” I've never thought twice about it. I guess I'm just used to it, and it sounds pretty cool, even if it has led to a million “Tiger roars back into lead” headlines. And I guarantee you that if he'd always gone by his given name, Eldrick, he would've never been the global icon he turned out to be. Then again, someone named Eldrick would go to IHOP to put down some pancakes, not bag the waitresses.
Playoffs?!?! Playoffs?!?! With this team?!?! In both the NBA and NHL, more than half the teams make the postseason. There's nothing special about it, yet we somehow decide that's a measuring stick for a good season. Some teams get in with losing records. All it really means is that your team isn't terrible. It's the equivalent of having a dog that listens to you about half the time. Sure, it's not a terrible dog, but shouldn't you still want a lot more than that?
Various sports sayings/clichés/jargon. “Barn-burner,” “came out flat,” “take it to the house,” “sudden death” — none of it actually makes sense. I mean, the only time a sports situation was truly “sudden death” was in that part in “Escape From L.A.” when Snake Plissken had to make those baskets or else he'd get shot. Dude was pretty clutch.
You know, now that I think about it, maybe when people say the Easter Bunny “laid an egg,” they just mean he has a reputation for not coming through in the clutch. Maybe he's just the LeBron James of holiday superstars. Or maybe I just shouldn't try to think about it.
Anyway, happy Easter.
Sports editor Bryce Evans still can't confirm the proper timing of his kite-flying experience. Although, he can say with full confidence that the kite did in fact reach the highest heights. It was sent soaring.
This situation had me really confused, then I saw a commercial for a new movie about the Easter Bunny. It turns out he doesn't lay eggs — at least not in the ad. He simply leaves jelly beans as droppings.
Ooooh ... wait, what?
The way we celebrate Easter doesn't make a whole lot of sense: We dye eggs, hunt for chocolate, go to church, go to brunch, eat a ham, fly a kite and then crash in the middle of the living-room floor at about 4:47 p.m. after coming down from a massive sugar high.
(Note: Maybe kites aren't actually part of an average Easter, but I remember doing that one year as a kid. It might be the only time I've actually flown a kite in my life. It might have also been National Kite Flying Day and not Easter. I'm not exactly sure.)
As we all know, today is Easter Sunday, which is exactly two days after Good Friday, 40 days after Ash Wednesday and 37,082 days after the Cubs won the 1908 World Series.
And in honor of Easter, here are some things in sports that relate to the holiday. That is today, all of them are pretty strange, but we've gotten so used to it that we barely even notice.
Here we go ...
Celebrations drenched in beer. Any time in my life that I've woken up reeking of beer, my first thought is either: a) Crap, do I still have all my teeth?; or b) Crap, do I still have any money? Never have the words “winning” or “championship” entered my mind. Yet, when a team wins a title, we see them drowning in either champagne (for teams in big markets) or PBR (for the rest of the world). When pro athletes wake up reeking of booze, they have images of the Stanley Cup in their head. Or they just think, “Man, I'm glad I'm Miguel Cabrera.”
The designated hitter. Maybe it's because I'm a National League guy. Maybe it's simply because I think athletes in sports should have to, you know, actually play their sport. Either way, nothing makes less sense than the designated-hitter rule in the American League. In no other sport are there different rules between conferences, divisions or leagues. And, there is no equivalent in any other sport. Actually now that I think about it, isn't pretty much every single NBA player a designated shooter? I mean, they don't play defense, and it's not like they're expected to pass. Hmmm ...
The WNBA. Not sure I need to explain this at all.
Tiger Woods' name is Tiger Woods. If I met someone in day-to-day life named “Lion” or “Bear,” I'd find it a little strange. But, somehow, when the world's best golfer is named “Tiger,” I've never thought twice about it. I guess I'm just used to it, and it sounds pretty cool, even if it has led to a million “Tiger roars back into lead” headlines. And I guarantee you that if he'd always gone by his given name, Eldrick, he would've never been the global icon he turned out to be. Then again, someone named Eldrick would go to IHOP to put down some pancakes, not bag the waitresses.
Playoffs?!?! Playoffs?!?! With this team?!?! In both the NBA and NHL, more than half the teams make the postseason. There's nothing special about it, yet we somehow decide that's a measuring stick for a good season. Some teams get in with losing records. All it really means is that your team isn't terrible. It's the equivalent of having a dog that listens to you about half the time. Sure, it's not a terrible dog, but shouldn't you still want a lot more than that?
Various sports sayings/clichés/jargon. “Barn-burner,” “came out flat,” “take it to the house,” “sudden death” — none of it actually makes sense. I mean, the only time a sports situation was truly “sudden death” was in that part in “Escape From L.A.” when Snake Plissken had to make those baskets or else he'd get shot. Dude was pretty clutch.
You know, now that I think about it, maybe when people say the Easter Bunny “laid an egg,” they just mean he has a reputation for not coming through in the clutch. Maybe he's just the LeBron James of holiday superstars. Or maybe I just shouldn't try to think about it.
Anyway, happy Easter.
Sports editor Bryce Evans still can't confirm the proper timing of his kite-flying experience. Although, he can say with full confidence that the kite did in fact reach the highest heights. It was sent soaring.
