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Most of the time when I catch a fish, it's not even big enough to eat. When Jeremy Wade catches one, it's usually big enough to eat him.
There are few things I prefer to watching sports. Normally, if there's a good game on TV, you'll have to pry the remote from my lifeless hands if you want to watch something else; it's just not going to happen.
Well, that is, unless you want to watch “River Monsters.”
If you haven't seen the show, well, your life simply isn't as fulfilling as it could be — or should be. In its simplest form, it's a fishing show, much in the same way, in his simplest form, Wayne Gretzky can be merely categorized as a hockey player.
A basic breakdown of the show's premise: Jeremy Wade is an “extreme angler.” He travels the world searching for hidden “monsters” in exotic rivers — and catches them with nothing more than a fishing rod and brawn.
It's awesome, and Wade, despite looking about 65 (he's 51), makes Chuck Norris seem like Richard Simmons. Dude's crazy.
And, each and every one of his escapades is depicted through gloriously over-dramatized narration and ridiculously intense footage of the beast he's after. Along the way, Wade, a biologist, gives you an immense amount of information you'll never use in real life. Well, unless you hunt for giant eels in sections of the Amazon River.
Basically, “River Monsters” is exactly like the NFL Draft, except, you know, with fish instead of top college athletes.
So, while most people in sports are making lazy comparisons about projected picks (Alabama's Mark Ingram to Emmitt Smith; Texas A&M's Von Miller to Lawrence Taylor; Auburn's Nick Fairley to Grimace from McDonald's), we're going to take this in a different direction, using various “monsters” Wade's caught to describe different players. Here we go ...
The ‘Goonch' catfish (Nepal). Before Wade got to the Great Kali River (between Nepal and India), the “Goonch” had just eaten an 18-year-old boy. Wade had a plan that involved keeping the giant catfish in calm waters and, at all costs, refraining from getting in the river. After fighting with the fish on his line for about 2 minutes, Wade couldn't help himself and jumped in the water. Anyway, the “Goonch” is Cam Newton. The eaten 18-year-old boy was college football last season, and most teams, despite their plans for rebuilding, will discard them if they have a chance to land Newton with its pick. Newton's big, fast and powerful. Whether or not he's a smart pick, well, let's just say you're jumping into the river head first — and then it's sink or be eaten.
South African river bull shark. Wade caught this puppy hundreds of miles upriver in South Africa, meaning it was a freshwater bull shark. That's strange, but for the most part, a shark is pretty straight forward — it's Marcell Dareus, defensive tackle from Alabama. The kid's a beast, and while it'd be great to have your defense anchored by this behemoth, it's not all that exciting.
Short-tailed river stingray (Argentina). I'm still confused what this animal even was. It was massive and really thick from stomach to back with a small club- like tail. Regardless, Wade caught it. And it was awesome. So, this is Patrick Peterson from LSU. He played corner in college, returned kicks and is a freak of an athlete: 6-foot-1, 219 pounds and runs a 4.34 40-yard dash. Really, he doesn't make sense at all. And he'd be about as exciting to draft as that stingray would be to catch.
Just another catfish. About 10 times a show, Wade hooks a fish he's not going for. Normally, it's some exotic catfish. Not all that impressive, but still pretty solid fish. Well, there's your offensive linemen. No one wants to hear their favorite team wasting a high pick on a guy you only hear the name of when he gets holding calls. Yet, every team needs them, and every team drafts them.
We're just left waiting for the big one.
Sports editor Bryce Evans hasn't ever caught a true ‘monster' in a river. Although, he once fell into a river and is pretty sure the fish thought he was a monster.
There are few things I prefer to watching sports. Normally, if there's a good game on TV, you'll have to pry the remote from my lifeless hands if you want to watch something else; it's just not going to happen.
Well, that is, unless you want to watch “River Monsters.”
If you haven't seen the show, well, your life simply isn't as fulfilling as it could be — or should be. In its simplest form, it's a fishing show, much in the same way, in his simplest form, Wayne Gretzky can be merely categorized as a hockey player.
A basic breakdown of the show's premise: Jeremy Wade is an “extreme angler.” He travels the world searching for hidden “monsters” in exotic rivers — and catches them with nothing more than a fishing rod and brawn.
It's awesome, and Wade, despite looking about 65 (he's 51), makes Chuck Norris seem like Richard Simmons. Dude's crazy.
And, each and every one of his escapades is depicted through gloriously over-dramatized narration and ridiculously intense footage of the beast he's after. Along the way, Wade, a biologist, gives you an immense amount of information you'll never use in real life. Well, unless you hunt for giant eels in sections of the Amazon River.
Basically, “River Monsters” is exactly like the NFL Draft, except, you know, with fish instead of top college athletes.
So, while most people in sports are making lazy comparisons about projected picks (Alabama's Mark Ingram to Emmitt Smith; Texas A&M's Von Miller to Lawrence Taylor; Auburn's Nick Fairley to Grimace from McDonald's), we're going to take this in a different direction, using various “monsters” Wade's caught to describe different players. Here we go ...
The ‘Goonch' catfish (Nepal). Before Wade got to the Great Kali River (between Nepal and India), the “Goonch” had just eaten an 18-year-old boy. Wade had a plan that involved keeping the giant catfish in calm waters and, at all costs, refraining from getting in the river. After fighting with the fish on his line for about 2 minutes, Wade couldn't help himself and jumped in the water. Anyway, the “Goonch” is Cam Newton. The eaten 18-year-old boy was college football last season, and most teams, despite their plans for rebuilding, will discard them if they have a chance to land Newton with its pick. Newton's big, fast and powerful. Whether or not he's a smart pick, well, let's just say you're jumping into the river head first — and then it's sink or be eaten.
South African river bull shark. Wade caught this puppy hundreds of miles upriver in South Africa, meaning it was a freshwater bull shark. That's strange, but for the most part, a shark is pretty straight forward — it's Marcell Dareus, defensive tackle from Alabama. The kid's a beast, and while it'd be great to have your defense anchored by this behemoth, it's not all that exciting.
Short-tailed river stingray (Argentina). I'm still confused what this animal even was. It was massive and really thick from stomach to back with a small club- like tail. Regardless, Wade caught it. And it was awesome. So, this is Patrick Peterson from LSU. He played corner in college, returned kicks and is a freak of an athlete: 6-foot-1, 219 pounds and runs a 4.34 40-yard dash. Really, he doesn't make sense at all. And he'd be about as exciting to draft as that stingray would be to catch.
Just another catfish. About 10 times a show, Wade hooks a fish he's not going for. Normally, it's some exotic catfish. Not all that impressive, but still pretty solid fish. Well, there's your offensive linemen. No one wants to hear their favorite team wasting a high pick on a guy you only hear the name of when he gets holding calls. Yet, every team needs them, and every team drafts them.
We're just left waiting for the big one.
Sports editor Bryce Evans hasn't ever caught a true ‘monster' in a river. Although, he once fell into a river and is pretty sure the fish thought he was a monster.
