This county relies upon tourism dollars, but according to some, we year-round residents are not shimmying on the pole fast enough to please every last one of the two million travelers who alight in our towns each year.

Most vacationers love Summit County. And yet, a few of our guests think we're doing everything wrong. Visitors from the blue states say we are ignorant redneck conservatives with “Eat Road Kill” stickers on our truck bumpers. Visitors from the red states say we are a flaming enclave of liberal granola gangsters.

Why are these tourist's knickers in a knot? Let's read some of the letters we've received to get an idea about the issues that are troubling our guests. Here we go:

Walter Gray of Boca Raton, Fla. wrote: “You're all a bunch of thieves, especially the cops. Breckenridge tricked me with its handicapped parking spaces. I park illegally (and crookedly) every day in handicapped parking spots back home in Boca. You're discriminating against people like me who can't see the color blue. Yeah, that's my problem. I'm colorblind to blue signs. Also, I don't understand what that wheelchair insignia in the center of the blue sign means. Stop tricking me!”

Poppy Harlot of Newark, N.J. said: “Listen up. You backwater jerks need to shovel the snow off the sidewalks. I can't walk in my 4-inch Snooki-heels on this ice. What are you lookin' at, you freak? Pick up that shovel before I pop a cap in your ass.”

Dwayne Plaincake of Des Moines, Iowa had this to say: “My family spread out a fast-food picnic in the center of the bike path between Frisco and Copper Mountain. A bunch of horribly emaciated cyclists yelled at us to move. They looked like concentration camp victims, lacking the normal (75 percent) amount of body fat. We prefer vacations that involve more sitting, more eating and less moving. We won't be back.”

Bobby Joe Bodean from Georgia confessed in a recent letter: “I'm the guy who shot the saddled horse near Slate Creek a few years ago. Boy, I sure felt bad about that. So, this year, I aimed for the horses in the paddock, hoping to get lucky and plug an elk, but then I accidentally shot 11 sleeping moose. Never did get my elk. Hunting in Summit County sucks.”

Sue-Ellen of Oklahoma City, Okla. emailed this: “Breckenridge, your wretched July 4th firework display was an assault on my robust love of country and my patriotism. Without fireworks, am I truly an American? Disoriented by your anemic pyrotechnics, somehow, the next morning I awoke on the doorstep of the Socialist Recruiting Center in Montezuma. I need my fireworks even if that means the entire town council of Breckenridge bursts into flame while singing the Star Spangled Banner. Also, with your thick Colorado accents, I couldn't understand a word y'all said. We're in America. Speak English.”

Robert Starchy of Chicago, Ill. wrote: “While on High Street, I smelled pot smoke wafting from the open window of a house. No one offered me a spliff even though it was spliff o'clock, you selfish pot goblins. I even have a marijuana prescription for my spasmodic perineum, but nobody would tell me how to find the dispensaries or the head shops because you're all pot goblins.”

Laura Vanderpump of Fairfield, Conn. wrote: “In Dillon, I was not greeted with the deference and groveling that my tourist dollars warrant. A young snowboarder told me that my beautiful fur coat made him think of Captain Schmucky, his recently deceased ferret. No one in Aspen ridicules my fur coats.”

Roger Swinks of L.A. said: “As an environmentalist, a vegan and a devotee of sustainability, I object to the logging operations on Rich Bastard's Peak where my LEED certified 10,000 square foot cabin is being built. I had hoped to enjoy forest views while swimming in my Olympic-sized indoor pool, but pine beetle mitigation has spoiled everything. By the way, can you recommend a landscaper who will plant Kentucky bluegrass and lemon trees around my Chief Joseph-inspired teepee? Peace out.”

A week later, Roger Swinks of Los Angeles wrote to us again: “A pine tree just fell on me. I'm suing every last one of you.”

Mountain People, here is your question of the week: Is the customer or tourist always right? Does living in a tourism-driven economy mean we have a duty to cater to every tourist's whim, no matter how eccentric? Where do mountain communities draw the line between trying to please everyone and maintaining their integrity? Wait, do we have integrity? Did we ever? Email your thoughts to me at MicaelaMGilchrist@comcast.net.

Micaela Gilchrist's novels are published by Simon & Schuster and by Scribner. She lives in Frisco.