Perhaps you've heard the sound of our minds disengaging from the rest of our bodies. No? It's a resounding "suck"-ing sound. Or perhaps it's the latest in Internet diversion/distraction apparatuses. Yes it's a website where people will do all kinds of useful and useless things for you for five bucks.
Yet, like the rubbernecking onlooker that I am, I've actually spent some time on the site and have decided to adopt the concept to my column. After all, not all columnists pull down $300K a year like they do at the N.Y. Times. No, some of us have to work a couple of different jobs to make ends meet so I figure what the heck, here is a list of things that I will do for you five bucks. It's quick. It's easy and it won't cost you anything but $5. Good ol' Abe. You can contact me at the email below, send your $5 to my Pay Pal account which is conveniently tied to the aforementioned email address and I will complete any of these offerings within two weeks of your paid transaction. Ready?
1. I will tell you the Web address of the website where you see what other people are offering for $5 for $5.
2. I will send you a lock of my hair for $5 (after my next haircut).
3. I will call and deliver with eloquent locution, a birthday or some other message to anyone you know for $5.
4. I will light a candle and speak your name aloud repetitively for 15 seconds for $5.
5. I will tell you for whom you should vote for $5.
6. I will email you proverbial wisdom for $5.
7. I will toast you the next time I raise a glass for $5.
8. I will get into a 10 email argumentative exchange with you on any topic. I'll even give you the choice of which side to argue on for $5.
9. I will recommend a resort for you to ski at this year for $5.
10. I will tell you the secret to happiness for $5.
11. I will be your friend on Facebook for a week and pretend to like you, say witty and flattering things about you, and talk about "old times" with you in a way that makes you look like the stud you really are for $5.
12. I will ask a Reiki professional to send healing Reiki energy your way for half an hour for $5.
13.I will donate $1 in your name to the charity of your choice for $5.
14. I will plant a sapling for you on public land in Summit County for $5 (spring and summer only).
15. I will follow you on Twitter for $5.
16. I will answer any legal question you have (not responsible for damages incurred) for $5.
17. I will give you parenting advice for $5.
18. I will visit your website and tell you if I like it for $5.
19. I will perform some random act of kindness for $5.
20. I will suggest a place to take a first date for $5.
21. I will tell you what skis to buy this season for $5.
Thank you so much for putting your money where I need it most. It's not easy to pull down six figures a year writing a column. That's a lot of jack, not to mention a lot of words. If you want to get started though, I will tell you how for $5.
Jeff McAbee is a former Summit County resident now living on the Front Range. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or via Twitter @Jeff_McAbee.