Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world's only daily column that thinks going out to dinner and playing pinball with friends is partying, such that we cannot write the next morning, despite the fact that our hangover was due to one too many caffeinated sodas instead of alcohol. What would we do if really forced to party, we wonder?
This headache makes for painful pondering, especially on the day that it's our turn to write Summit Up - which of course is every day since we are a daily column.
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: Diet soda? Wait - isn't that bad for you? Doesn't it have that "aspercreme" stuff in it? Doesn't that cause cancer or something? Shouldn't you be eating all-natural? Have you forgotten stevia and agave nectar? And why are you drinking soda anyway?
SU: Well, it just kind of goes with pizza and pinball. Though generally we get our carbonation fix from kombucha, that fermented, naturally carbonated, probiotic, wonder tonic. We make it at home by feeding our gelatinous SCOBY mother (that's Symbiotic Culture Of Bacteria and Yeast to you) sugared black tea, causing her to burp out the much-treasured carbonation and souring the juice to a tasty tang.
MSUR: Ick! That's disgusting. Also, diet food is the best thing ever. We can eat tons of that stuff without getting fat or messing up our sugar levels. Furthermore, we like our factory-made sugar-free road snacks individually packaged. This is what you call the good life, Summit Up!
SU: Oh is it, then? Well, okay, fine. Who are we to judge? Especially when it's so hard to think because we have a hangover from soda and are otherwise stressed at 6:30 in the morning writing Summit Up on our day off. We have gained 15 pounds since we traded an active lifestyle for brainiac computer work. This is a non sequitir and we don't care. Is that 300 words yet? Sweeeeeeet! We out.