Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world's only daily column that has no opinions on anything at all because - duh! - we're journalists.
Nope, rest assured that we don't favor one side over the other. Quite the contrary. We simply don't care. We were just saying so the other day.
Chocolate cake? Red velvet? Doesn't matter. We're journalists.
Pen? Pencil? One of each will have to do. That's how we roll.
No, but seriously, you might think to know our bias, but you're mistaken. You read into it too much.
(Either that or we didn't read into it enough to know our own bias, which is unlikely, seeing how we read, and read into, stuff constantly.)
"Wait, was that editorializing?" we hear across the room, watchful as we are to avoid the inclination.
(To editorialize, according to Dictionary.com, is "to inject personal interpretations or opinions into an otherwise factual account.")
No, Millions of Summit Up Readers, there are sacrifices we make when we dedicate our souls to the mission of small-town journalism, aside from the prospect of a comfortable future, that is. We give up our opinions.
And with them, perhaps even more tragic, we give up our adjectives. Never mind how awesome, amazing, mind-blowing, paradigm-shifting, fabulous, mediocre or depressing we find something - we're trained to stare it down, compose ourselves, neutralize and then write like machines.
You'll find no rosy paint, no sculpted strokes, no hidden messages here. No silly willy, no willy nilly, no run-of-the-milly, none of that.
Our job is to show the picture - not a painting of the picture, not an ode to the picture - just a picture. Drop by and you'll see; it's all cold, hard facts here in the Inside Out Dishwasher Building, so much so that we're frozen stiff and our bums burn in our hard, hard chairs as we churn out the daily news like factory workers, sweatshop-style.
So thanks for your patience! And thanks for your notes! If we get something wrong, definitely let us know, but maybe try to deliver it in objective journalist-speak, seeing how that's the language we understand most.