In order to function like a properly greased money machine, the GOP requires a chew toy. Something to snarl and wave and get a good growl on. Railing against easy-to-digest injustices is the perfect lubrication. Nuance — not their strong suit. This party calibrates with pitchforks and 55-gallon drums of oil.
Their specialty is publicly declaring abhorrence for manufactured boogeymen. Communist takeover of the world — bad. Muslim president born with a racist agenda in an African country — bad. Socialist health care that kills old people — bad. They, wrapped in a flag holding high the cross — good.
Having never met a dead horse they didn’t enjoy beating, the Party of Lincoln is prone to continuing their battering to microscopic detail. As long as the audience remains rapt, these guys will lambaste anything retaining a whiff of expired equine. Saddles. Baseballs. Horsehide ottomans. Cello bows. Glue.
But after 51 attempted repeals, all the sweet cream goodness has been beaten right out of Obamacare, what with the world not coming to an end and all like everyone said. And drat the luck, no death panels. Lousy timing, with a mid-term election looming like Godzilla at the end of an alley.
So now the hordes of upraised clubs have moved onto a new target. Demonstrated by House Speaker John Boehner throwing a large number of his Capture the Senate Majority election chips down the Benghazi Rabbit Hole. Let the inquisitions begin. For the 14th time.
Republican Senators are jealously clamoring for similar grandstanding opportunities, but chances of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid granting that request are smaller than Donald Sterling headlining the Apollo.
The issue concerning the death of four Libyan embassy employees excites the base to where they vibrate and leak green froth from their nose while their voices go up two octaves. The major difficulty is negotiating the fine line that separates energizing the tea-drinking troops from politicizing a tragedy. And rumors of Benghazi tote bags don’t help.
I can’t wait for Ted Cruz to start a new nationwide dance craze via YouTube video: “Doing the Benghazi Boogie. Take 2 steps back. Look around. Point your finger. Shake your head. Shake your contributions cup. Shake your tail feather. Take 2 steps back.”
Even after holding 13 hearings on the subject, Republicans are determined that this time, they’ll get the truth. To such disturbing mysteries as why Susan Rice wore a pink blouse when she went on the Sunday talk shows. A signal? How many brain tumors were affecting Hillary Clinton? Why wouldn’t Barack Obama get off the phone with Benjamin Netanyahu? Were they celebrating? And who exactly do Republicans hate more: Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton?
Yes, the answers to these and many more questions will be cloaked and shrouded and obscured but why Republicans have lost consecutive presidential elections will definitely be highlighted in Day-Glo skywriting. At a certain point the American people grow tired of washing off the horse blood.
Afterwards, a consultation with Geraldo Rivera might be in order, because this investigation is destined to come up emptier than Al Capone’s Vault. The only good news is the term “impeachment” has yet to be bandied about. And for that, we should all get down on our knees and thank ... Joe Biden.
Contact Will Durst at firstname.lastname@example.org.