Summit Up 12-23-12: Baking high-altitude fruit cake
Ryan Summerlin December 23, 2012
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s so glad there’s two days until Christmas – there’s still time to do all of the holiday shopping we haven’t even come close to finishing. White Elephants, Secret Santas and other variations on gift-giving are starting to wear on our nerves a bit – $20 at a time.
There’s still time for a little last-minute baking, too, so we’re bringing back an old, terrible recipe (just for the sake of documenting the history of such a strange food). Here’s how to make a holiday fruitcake. Enjoy, or try to.
Here’s what you need:
A valid driver’s license proving your legality to consume alcohol
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts (pick your poison)
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey (consider grabbing two or three depending on how many people are helping you)
So friends, here we go, but first, sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Now wash your hands, secure your cooking apron tightly and take out a large bowl. We’re off to a great start, really. Now take a deep breath.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Now reward yourself and pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Try another cup of whiskey and then turn off the mixer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix it all together – If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver and then sample the whiskey to check for toxicity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt – or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something … whatever you can find.
Grease the cake tin. Turn on the oven to 350 degrees. Inspect the fruit cake batter and throw the bowl out of the window once you realize how horribly you’ve failed. Don’t forget to turn off the oven (this is very important).
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???
But for those of you who do like fruitcake, feel free to send in a spin on this recipe. We’re open to suggestions, our baking didn’t go so well and we’d be really interested in learning about how normal people bake during this special time.
What is it about this season that inspires people to bake? According to the New York Times, the average person gains 7-10 pounds from Thanksgiving and Christmas. A little more insulation for the chilly weather right?
Happy holidays. Savor the fruit cake and potential weight gain. We out.