Summit Up 9-23-12: Investigating the case of the Breck bear break-in
September 22, 2012
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s investigating the mysterious case of the Breck bear break-in.
When leaving for school earlier this month, Laurie Rambaud was greeted with a broken window and bear prints on the side of the SUV.
After dusting for fingerprints on said vehicle, we linked the prints to a notorious misbehavin’ bear in our neck of the woods. This elusive creature is known by most, seen by almost none.
The suspect of this horrendous crime is Bart the Bear, who hasn’t been socially active since 1997 when he starred in “The Edge” alongside Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins, said to have given the most realistic performance of the three.
Smokey the Bear has been in pursuit of Bart for nearly a decade ever since he allegedly sat on Highway 9 near the fire danger sign at CMC making obscene gestures at passing cars, scaring Texas tourists from afar.
Though we’re sure Bart got a kick out of it, Smokey was not amused. Ever since that day, Bart has been in hiding, making only brief errands in town and around the woods. Some say they’ve seen Bart most recently enjoying an amber ale at the Gold Pan in Breck.
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Alongside Smokey, we looked closely at the vehicle that Bart ravaged (poor Laurie!) What we found was shocking:
An ancient, petrified peanut butter and jelly had been abandoned in the back seat of the car and served as too much temptation for Bart. Who could blame him? Times are hard for bears! Unless of course you’re Smokey the Bear, who by the way, is an awesome hiking partner cuz he’s celebrity cool and really knows his way around the backcountry.
The search ensues and Smokey is offering a life supply of juniper and up to a quarter million berries for information leading to the arrest and conviction of Bart. Call (970) BAD-BEAR with any sightings, tips or information regarding the case.
Vigilante action is not encouraged.
Anybody else out there jonesin’ a bit for the white stuff or are we the only ones? We’ll take the sunshine though as we exercise patience for the pow. We out.