August 7, 2002
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column that started its day off with a Dole Cameo #3066, a Chiquita #4011, a Lucerne 2113007727 and a New Zealand enza Royal Gala #4173.
Nothing like a bar code to start your day. That’s what we always say.
Well, we hate to run off any more visitors, but we have another true story that comes from a retail store near you. Seems some shoppers – and we can’t say where they’re from because it might anger their sensitive little souls – were chatting it up with a clerk and commenting about the low level of water in the Dillon Pond.
ATTENTION SUMMIT UP READERS! WE INTERRUPT THIS JOKE FOR A LITTLE HISTORIC BACKGROUND SO THE JOKE MAKES SENSE TO EVERYONE. AHEM. The reservoir was built in the early 1960s to serve the municipal water needs of Denver. The townsite of Dillon – now called Old Dillon – rests at the bottom of the reservoir. All the buildings were moved or destroyed before water was allowed to inundate the area.
“We have come here every year for 50 years and we have never seen the water so low,” the man lamented. “Why, at low tide, you can almost see the church steeple.”
Low tide? The … church steeple?
We thinks it’s the Old Dillon Car Shoppe and Bakery.
We here at Summit Up are addicts of all sorts – cookie munching, coffee guzzling, beer swilling, Internet surfing and shopping among them. We don’t count gambling, although many partake. But now we might just have to.
Maybe we’re a little ahead of the times – perish the thought – but the WallStreet Insider said it was nearly three years ago insiders there discovered (drum roll) the online gambling industry.
This announcement begs the question: Where the heck have they been?! Why, we first became aware of online gambling in 1987, when we found a Web site that accessed the darkest gambling dens in Chicago. We’ve been there ever since!
Anyway, officials at the Insider say they are “constantly perusing various industries to get an inkling as to what opportunities we believe to have great potential.” While surfing the Net, they discovered a company that makes software for online gaming!
“Just what we were always hoping for: a ground-floor opportunity!” the Insiders wrote in an “urgent” fax to Summit Up. “We believe this industry will most definitely be Wall Street’s next Pot-of-Gold!” In the microscopic print at the bottom of the press release, they’ve written, “The publisher has relied on information provided by well-known, reputable sources and although believed to be true, can not guarantee the accuracy of such information.”
Well, we believe it! So we’re calling 1-800-SUC-KERR, asking for report No. 1150, and jumping on the eGaming bandwagon! Woo-eee! We’ll put $50 on Lucky Seven!
The folks of the Inside-Out Dishwasher want to encourage everyone to get out there and grab a cow bell this Saturday. And ring it LOUD. The folks at Saturn, who are sponsoring the infamous Saturn Cycling Classic, want to set a North American record by distributing 7,500 bells and having people ring them in unison for 10 very long minutes.
We suggested if they want volume, too, they should visit any of the fine child care facilities here in Summit County, but that wasn’t exactly what they had in mind.
And then we learned of another world-record-breaking event: A mass breast-feeding in Berkeley (Boulder West), Calif.
Seems that volunteers from the Bay Area Lactation Association (put that one on your resume!) marched 1,135 mothers and their nursing infants from a park to a nearby theater for the mass nurse-in, hoping to educate people about the importance of public nudity – no wait! The importance of breastfeeding – yeah, that’s it – while at the same time breaking a world record set earlier that week by a bunch of women in Australia. You want volume, Saturn? One thousand, one hundred thirty five squalling babes enough for you?
Only in Berkeley. Or Boulder. Or Sedona, Ariz. Perhaps in Eugene, Ore. Never in Greeley.
We out. Out eating a Red Delicious #4016.