Durst: Alien No More
June 23, 2013
Ear to the ground, everybody. Listen close. You can hear it coming. Could be a while. Might be a bit beat up. Probably won't look like it does now. But eventually those slight puffs of dust in the distance will slide right down Main Street and America will undergo another facelift. And yes, after it's over, the whole country will appear younger and more vital. We might even buy ourselves a red convertible.
Talking about the Border Security, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Modernization Act, which we, the general rabble have come to know as The Immigration Bill. Presently it can be found slogging its way through the Senate on a pace rivaling that of a snail nailed to a 2×4 with a railroad spike. Minus the alacrity.
Taking so long because the Senate has to vote on every proposed amendment. And there are hundreds. No, seriously. Hundreds. Jeff Sessions of Alabama wrote 49, but he's playing T-ball in short pants compared to Iowa's Chuck Grassley, who offered up 77 amendments. And this past Wednesday the Senate managed to vote on… four. To say it's going take a while is like intimating that surgical decapitation tends to inhibit throwing a sinker on the inside of the plate to a left-handed batter. And speaking of the House of Representatives… we kid.
Various amendments deal with border triggers, border fences and border security. Restrictions on access to guns and hospitals and schools and welfare. Back taxes. Same-sex couples. Stripping responsibility from Homeland Security and giving it to Congress. Ostensibly, for reasons of expediency due to Congress' nimble bureaucracy. You can't make stuff up like this.
One amendment involves the library system and one calls for national voter ID. But plenty of obvious issues have been ignored by the Most Deliberative Body in the World. So, as a public service, we here at Durstco offer up a couple of fixes to issues that we citizens living in the real world would like to see addressed. Admittedly, few are crazy enough to make it through the House.
1. Before being accepted as a naturalized citizen: Applicants must give up all rights to consort with a Kardashian.
2. Anybody desiring to be an American must immediately stop referring to soccer as football.
3. Of course we welcome diversity, but weird foreign desserts have to be given American names so we know what we're getting into.
4. Prospective citizens must pledge to name every fourth child after a president or first lady. Barack doesn't count. Michelle is okay.
5. When swimming, men are prohibited from wearing those skimpy Speedo bathing suits that make them look like they're smuggling plums. Women are exempt from this rule.
6. Prospective U.S. citizens must publicly choose: Ginger or Mary Ann.
7. True Americans shake hands, we don't air kiss. Women are exempt from this rule.
8. The correct answer to "How many liters in a gallon?" is "who cares."
9. Under threat of expulsion, new citizens pledge to cheer for the USA as at least their second team during international competitions such as the Olympics.
10. Any U.S. citizen who thinks Mexico and New Mexico are in the same country must immediately leave. Even if they've been here all their lives.
Congratulations. And welcome to America, where Budweiser is no longer an import.
Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst's new one-man show, "BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG," is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. Use code "boomer" for discount tix.
Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at firstname.lastname@example.org. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at email@example.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don't forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.
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