Advice for Paris Hilton on the long run-up to ‘retirement’
This is a day we all knew was coming, but none of us ever wanted to think about ” Paris Hilton has announced her retirement.
Sure, it’s not happening for two more years, at which time she’ll supposedly be hitched to her fiance, Paris (yes, another bleach-blonde, skinny rich kid named Paris), and will supposedly be ready for motherhood. (Does she know that having kids isn’t quite like toting her Chihuahua around in her Louis Vuitton?)
But the poor dear is so darn busy these days that she can’t possibly have the time to be planning her descent into retirement from … from … what is it she’s retiring from? Oh, never mind that. I’m here to help her plan her retirement step by step.
Step 1: Ditch the last name.
With a name like Hilton attached to you, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to slip into oblivion.
I was thinking something along the lines of Motel 6 or Super 8. If you’re shooting for the whole marital vibe, you could always take your hubby’s last name, Latsis. But then you guys would be Paris and Paris Latsis.
Step 2: Dye your hair and lose the extensions.
Let’s face it. That’s not your natural color. Something a little darker would be a lot more flattering and wouldn’t scream “I’m Paris Hilton, yes, THE Paris Hilton.” And all that hair isn’t yours. Give it back.
Step 3: Find some new friends.
You know what they say: If you lie down with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas ” or herpes. So steer clear of the party girls and guys if you’re really looking to leave the scene.
Step 4: Cut out the catch-phrase nonsense.
Stop saying, “That’s hot.” Period.
Step 5: Don’t turn to reality television.
Yes, Paris, I know you’ve already gone the reality TV route with “The Simple Life,” and your parents are doing that whole “I Want to Be a Hilton” show.
But, c’mon, you and I both know that reality TV screams “desperate has-beens trying to make a comeback.” Just look at Britney Spears and her husband and their bizarre, Blair Witch-esque reality show on the UPN, of all stations.
Do you really want to end up on the UPN?
Step 6: Leave Los Angeles.
Run, don’t walk. Or catch a cab. Or limo. Just get out. Now.
Step 7: No more movies.
Don’t make them at home. Don’t make them in a studio. Seriously. It just gives people more fodder for Paris Hilton jokes ” which we’ll all miss when you retire.
Step 8: Wear a turtleneck.
Not all the time, of course, just once in a while. It would shock people out of their Juicy Couture sweat pants and shock you out of the spotlight.
Step 9: Have dinner at Chili’s.
Or Applebee’s. Or even the Sizzler if you’re feeling extra risky.
So, Paris, I hope I’ve been able to give you some good pointers on your exit from the Hollywood stage. We’ll miss the good times, laughter, tears and tabloid rumors you brought us over the years.
Best of luck to you and Paris and all the little Parisians to come. Let’s just hope their first words aren’t, “That’s hot.”
Arts and entertainment editor Jennifer Harper writes a Wednesday column. She can be reached at (970) 668-3998, ext. 248, or firstname.lastname@example.org.
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