Andrea Simmons: Summit County’s Vanishing Man Syndrome |

Andrea Simmons: Summit County’s Vanishing Man Syndrome

Andrea Simmons

Grab your man now, ladies! There is an epidemic of massive proportions sweeping Summit County known as the Vanishing Man Syndrome. This can be identified by several symptoms, usually starting out with a great first date followed by a greater first night and the concluding fuzzy good-bye that ends in the inevitable, “I’ll text you later.” What happens after that, only the men know ….

It is then disaster strikes. The man simply vanishes off the planet leaving no contact information and more importantly – not accomplishing his final task – the text he promised, of course!

As time drags on during this epidemic, we observe three stages in the woman’s reaction:

1. Ladies everywhere charging their phones three times a day because they check it 500 times a day.

2. We can also observe the rabid cell phone attack that happens when anyone’s cell phone in a 50-foot radius happens to go off.

3. The final stage, which involves, the cell phone flying across the room with plenty of heated words after it, a bucket of chocolate ice cream, and the complete series of “Sex and the City.”

After stage three, we girls try not to wonder to where these seemingly fantastic men might have disappeared. Ideas have crossed our minds though, some lingering into foreign countries and others into deep underground chasms. Even the horrible possibility that he might have lost his phone stuns us to our core, but what happens afterward is all the more shocking:

He texts you! A miracle has happened. After two weeks of being non-existent, the man reappears texting you out of nowhere asking, “Do you want to hang out sometime?” Clearly this means he has an interest, and though all men use the excuse, “Sorry, I was busy,” most self-respecting girls won’t tolerate this type of treatment.

Although surprised, the game ends there, and we move on with our lives by replacing his name with, “Jackass” in our phones. But we are here still wondering, “Why didn’t he text?”

We must have an answer to this perplexing epidemic, therefore we ask Summit County men out there to write into the Summit Daily and tell us: “Why didn’t you text that last girl back, and why it took you so long to respond?” Our scientists are standing by to test your theories.

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