Biff America: Sex, lies and politics | SummitDaily.com

Biff America: Sex, lies and politics

JEFFREY BERGERON
Biff America

Biff America

It seems that my mate craves more lust-power from me. This caught me by surprise. But there it was in black and white, two feet in front of my nose, contained in an e-mail.

“YOUR LOVER WANTS MORE LUST-POWER FROM YOU. GIVE HER THE GLADIATOR-LOVE SHE SECRETLY DESIRES.”

Anyone who knows my mate will tell you she is not shy about expressing her needs. She’s demands more snow, less work, fatter skis and for me to pick up red wine at the liquor store. She has never asked for “gladiator-love” but the e-mail said it was a “secret desire”. I decided I should do my best to supply it.

Lucky for me the e-mail provided a link where I could order some pills to increase my “LUST-POWER” which it seems is the main ingredient of “GLADIATOR-LOVE”.

The pills cost $79.99. That would normally be I little over my budget, but on that same morning, I learned that I had won 2 million pounds sterling in the UK Lottery.

And if that wasn’t enough, there is this banker in Africa who wants to transfer $11 million from an unclaimed account to my savings account. Here is just part of the actual e-mail that I cut and pasted here: THE MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR MAY YEARS IN OUR BANK HERE WITHOUT ANYBODY COMING FOR IT.

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The correspondence went on to inform me that all I needed to do to collect this huge sum was to e-mail back my social security and bank account numbers.

I was pondering if I wanted to collect that 2 million pounds from the UK Lottery or go through the extra bother of having the $11 million transferred from that African bank.

Either way, I would have more than enough cash to purchase the lust-power-pills which would allow me perform the gladiator-love that my mate secretly desired. My thoughts were interrupted by a phone call from my buddy Dave.

“I can’t talk now.” I said, “I’m about to order some lust-power-pills. Do you need any?”

Dave said, “My mother just called to tell me that Barack Obama is a radical Muslim who will not place his hand on the Bible, will not recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and hopes to turn this country into a Muslim nation.” Dave went on, “I don’t know what to do; she really believes that.”

“That is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.” I said, “Where did she hear that?”

Dave answered, “It was in an e-mail.”

“Oh an e-mail,” I resounded. “Then is must be true.”

I feel sorry for Dave’s Mum. She is from an era where you could believe what you read in the newspaper. Or, at least you could believe that the person writing what you read in the paper believed. With the growth of the internet, any malicious nut-case can come out with un-researched, or just made up junk, and post it on the net or send it to unsuspecting people like Dave’s mother, both scaring and misinforming her.

In the last six months I’ve read that Hilary is a lesbian perjurer, McCain is ripe for a nervous breakdown, Edwards is gay, Giuliani is an adulterer and Romney has multiple wives. (I wonder what brand of lust-power-pills he uses?)

I can forgive Dave’s mother. She is from a generation that trusts the media. But I cannot forgive those people who send out that junk and those who forward without compunction. I’ve received some from otherwise normal people who if they took the time to research some of this stuff they forward would realize that it is nothing but urban myths and lies. (I went on snopes.com to find out that there are several chain e-mails going around about Obama all unfounded and untrue.)

But all this did get me thinking. If Barack isn’t trying to overthrow the country and McCain isn’t a time bomb of mental illness, then maybe I didn’t win 2 million pounds.

And if all that is the case I really shouldn’t spend $79.99 for LUST-POWER-Pills. Without the pills I’m not sure if I can provide the gladiator-love.

But the good news is that it is snowing hard tonight. Tomorrow will be a powder day. That should distract her.