Couch potato suggests new ways to play the Olympics
After watching hours of swimming, synchronized diving and rowing – not to mention watching the U.S. basketball team getting its butt whooped to a country that technically belongs to us – I, like American couch potatoes everywhere, have decided to submit a few ideas of my own to the Olympic Sporting Idea Committee.This committee is not to be confused with the other committee that has been accused of taking bribes from countries that want to host the games in their backyard:East Balanaskckzyzk representative: “Psst! Olympic decision dude! Our country is willing to give you four yaks if you let us host the next summer Olympics!”Olympic Decision Dude: “Uh, and exactly where is Balanaskckzyzk?”East Balanaskckzyzk representative: “Oh, out east, you know. European bloc. Or maybe the Middle East. We don’t know yet. We’re working on getting some borders.”Olympic Decision Dude: “Hmmm. Yaks, huh? I’ll get back with you.”
No, the Olympic Sporting Idea Committee can’t be bought that readily! No, siree! They require at least five yaks and a promise that their country of choice will get at least one gold medal in korfball.What? You’ve never heard of K-ball? Americans …Korfball is the Dutch equivalent of basketball, only instead of shooting a bright orange ball sponsored by a major shoe company into a net sponsored by a male sexual-enhancement drug, players shoot a soccer ball into a wicker basket. It’s one of the suggestions that’s been submitted to the Olympic Sporting Idea Committee.Never mind that it’s so similar to basketball. That’s irrelevant. After all, they let ice hockey and curling in the Olympics. Tell me they’re not the same.Other ideas the committee is considering because they’re obviously sampling some of those doping pharmaceuticals include “dancesport,” orienteering, bridge and tug of war.Orienteering? OK. A bunch of people using compass skills and running through the mine fields of Kyrckyzwyz could provide just the blood sport enthusiasm advertisers want to see in American couch potatoes.Tug of war? I like it. Take a nice children’s game, slap a corporate sponsorship on it and let the games begin!
But dancesport? It’s ballroom dancing, that “sport” every red-blooded American pre-teen jumped off cliffs to avoid. The Spanish, the Russians – hell, even the French – would cream us at that. And bridge? A sport? What about Go Fish? What about Yahtzee? Battleship, anyone?I’ve got a few better ideas.– How about dodgeball? A great American pastime that is certainly played in other countries. (Ironically, that is one of the real requirements to get a new sport admitted to the Olympics.)– Synchronized forgetfulness. My daughter and I have this market cornered. We learned this when we rode our bicycles to the post office the other day, went in to collect our mail and left. We walked side by side along the sidewalk until – synchronized realization! – we simultaneously spun on our heels and said, “Duh!” before turning back to retrieve our bikes.– Bocce. — Competitive gardening.
— Paintball wars. Need I say more? I can line up a team just from my ‘hood.– The picnic relay: Competitors do a three-legged race to one end of the field, then run back with an egg balanced on a spoon, change into five layers of clothing and run back to the other end of the field, then crawl with their teammate on their back to the finish line.I think these have potential.I plan to return home with a gold – in something that requires synchronization, athleticism and downright silliness.I’ve got five yaks guaranteeing it.Jane Stebbins writes a Wednesday column. She can be reached at (970) 668-3998, ext. 228, or firstname.lastname@example.org unless she’s out practicing her bocce game.
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