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***Other than really cheesy seafood restaurants, you just don’t see adults wearing bibs these days. Somehow or another, if you ask us (and you eventually would have – trust us), bibs have become inappropriately associated with other maladroit human conditions, such as adult diapers.It really doesn’t have to be this way – nay, it shouldn’t be this way, we say. Bibs are wonderful. Whereas the aforementioned watertight undies can bunch up your favorite trousers or cause a little embarrassment by sticking out above your beltline, bibs can A) be put on and taken off easily, as well as fit in your purse or backpack, 8) keep you from staining the most visible portions of your clothing and &) could very well be the next fashion craze, since the whole West Coast do-rag bandanna thing is pretty much played out.(We realize those of you who bought into our macram wig chin-strap kits might not trust our fashion prognostications, but, really, this one is it. We’ll even give you a discount on investing in our bib-weaving factory if you hurry.)But, no, bibs make you look like a baby, people tell us. The waiters try to ignore you if you put one on in a restaurant, they say. I can’t find one that fits me and has cute little pictures of Winnie the Pooh, we hear.Fine, be that way. We’ll see who’s crying when we’re walking into the Academy Awards with our jewel-studded Armani bib.***This is, literally, a skunky Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! A certain feed and pet supply store in Frisco faxed us, saying a guy came in last Saturday with a husky. This dog, unfortunately, had been on the wrong end of a skunk spray (is there a right end, really?). The guy proceeded to use the store’s dog-washing facilities, including shampoo, towels, etc., “and, of course, stinking up the entire store operation.”Here’s the really odiferous part: The guy says he forgot his wallet, and that he would go get it, return and pay for the services. You guessed it – he never came back.”May 1,000 scummy skunks seek him out for revenge, move into his house, his car and his shorts,” our friends said in their fax. “We’re sure he has bragged about the rude behavior, so if anyone knows who this skunky scum is, please let us know at (970) 668-0495.”They also add that this strip-ed, skunky scallywag can avoid a lifetime of karmic thorns in the paw if he’d just pay his bill.***Ah, what a cruddy day! Here’s another Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! from our friends at Crepes la Carte. Apparently, somebody stole the sign off their cart. It’s big, blue and green and can be easily identified because it says, “Crepes la Carte” on it. (Go figure, right? Like, who would want to steal that?)The crepes-kids tell us they’ve got their own field agents combing Summit Up Land for clues to the sign’s whereabouts. But if anybody else wants to contribute leads, they should call (970) 453-4022.***So, we were writhing in pain the other night, rolling around the floor of the Summit Up Bat Cave, banging our head against the coffee table leg because the never-ending stream of election commercials not only was making our blood boil, but it was making our eyes wither like the spoons in the old “Tom & Jerry” cartoons when they’d dip them into the moth ball-turpentine-floor cleaner mixture. (Can you tell we’re ready for election season to be over?)But that’s when a field agent pointed out to us that it could be worse: He reminded us of the Summit Up South American Coloring Book and Bedbug Classifier, specifically entry No. 239, which describes how bad it really could be when people want your vote.See, here in the states, you can at least change the channel on the TV (or better yet shoot it – but that’s a story we’ll tell some other time) or put on a welder’s mask to shield your eyes from the “Poltergeist” -like evil. But down there, you have to contend with little cars driving around with HUGE loudspeakers strapped to the top. Who knows what they’re saying, because if you’re standing anywhere within a 100-yard radius, all you hear is your eardrum rattling like the metal they use to make the thunder noises in the previously mentioned cat-and-mouse cartoon.Now don’t you feel better? So, go out and vote!***Please, don’t make Thursday out to be more than it is. It would crush us. Send your extra gelatin to firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just watch it wiggle on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.We’re out doing Bill Cosby impressions on the flizz-m-flop …
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