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Town governments must feel pretty secure about this summer’s fire potential.
We came to this conclusion after watching the towns of Silverthorne and Frisco use firehoses and thousands of gallons of water to clean the grit out from in between the stones in their lovely, manicured medians. To be fair, we must admit those things were dirty. Extremely dirty. They blew enough dirt out of those things that they could have shoveled it all up and saved several thousand dollars on next winter’s road-sanding bill (that would make too much sense, though).
It just seemed odd to us, as we were sitting at the Summit Boulevard/Main Street intersection waiting for the light to turn, and we’re watching the street sweeper (taking up half the road, mind you) and they’re spraying water all over the place. Then we look out across the marina and see fish flopping in the mud, beached ships and dust devils whirling about where there used to be a lake.
Us, we’re not taking any chances this summer. We’re saving every last bit of water, because you know The Man will be enacting all sorts of water restrictions this summer. They’ll be telling us we can’t wash our cars, can’t water the lawn – heck, they may even force us to stop using instant cocoa mix (you’d think this was hilarious and scary if you were lactose intolerant – word up to our L.I. peeps!).
If you’re like us and you’re already worried about the water situation, here’s a few things you can do to use less water and stock up on it at the same time, so that when the water Armageddon comes, you’ll be prepared to rip off your neighbors with $5 shots of the wet stuff.
n Flush only every fifth time. Grampa Summit Up tells us you can stick a brick in the tank so that less water comes in, too, but he also tells us we don’t need to flush, we need to filter and reuse. Can you tell he lived through the Depression?
n Steal water. We all go down to Denver every once in a while, and since they’re taking all the water in our lake, why not take it back? We suggest you put a five-gallon jug in your car, and when you’re down there, just make a quick pit stop, fill ‘er up and dump it in the lake when you get back here. It’s a beautiful cycle, no?
n Make children cry. Yeah, it sounds kind of mean, and, yeah, it might be a little salty (you’ll get used to that), but, man is it easy. Just put a cup under their eyes and start telling them they were adopted or that Santa Claus doesn’t exist or, even better, that they’re really Santa’s kid but he gave them up for adoption because they didn’t deserve all those cool toys.
n Throw trash in the rivers. Now, you’re going to accuse us of inciting littering, but … OK, we are. But if you think about it, all that trash is going to clog up the waterways, which will back up the reservoir and, voila, problem solved.
You’ll probably want to offer our readers some tips of your own. Send them to email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just make drooling noises on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
Fred or “Phred,” we’re not sure, must have read our column about escort services earlier this week. He e-mailed us:
“I could offer you a limited escort service: limited to when my wife is out of town … and further limited because even when she’s out of town, she has excellent radar!”
If we didn’t know better, Fred just propositioned us. Kinda makes us feel all fuzzy. That, or it’s the schnapps.
It’s Saturday, so the password has something to do with lawn mowers and barbecues, but we can’t remember. We’re too dehydrated.
We’re out … somewhere …
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