Hectic in the holidays | SummitDaily.com

Hectic in the holidays

Special to the Daily

Have you ever felt like a drug-infused madman, running around without a destination, eyes wide, mouth agape, drooling, swearing your revenge on whoever invented holiday gift giving? I’m sick and tired of trying to please everyone even as I elbow granny into a decked out Christmas tree at Best Buy to snake the last Wii. Back off Cottontop, or I’ll vote to cut off Medicaid! This year I thought I’d at least look up some reasons why we get stressed out at this time of year and provide some tips how to alleviate the bad feelings.

Mayoclinic.com lists relationships, finances and physical demands as being three main stress inducers. Accommodating everyone’s needs and listening to everyone’s gripes and moans makes me want to kick the sacrificial goat. Just the sound of my relative’s voices is enough to make my eyes roll back, my body to levitate off the ground, and my head to spin around while I projectile vomit all over the living room.

For others, it can be a time of loneliness, like Martha Stewart in prison with nary a cake mix in sight.

Finances are another white-hair inducing issue. Despite all the purses I lift from the senior center, there’s never enough money for a drug mule like me.

The physical requirements of shopping, cleaning and cooking offer insight as to why my mother ends up cursing, chewing my dad out, and cursing some more while performing these tasks. Sometimes, if she’s in a good mood, these activities are accompanied with ear boxing, blows delivered with a broom, and a few tears wrung out while cursing, boxing ears, and swinging the broom at the same time. These only add to the physical exertion and increase in stress, which is why I’ve decided to avoid all those activities. Why clean when the place is just going to get dirty again soon?

One thing to remember during times like these is that it’s OK to acknowledge your feelings. When you’ve drunk the last of the grog and want more, go ahead and tell the host what you think of him and that if the bowl doesn’t get filled soon you’re going to take your shirt off. I don’t know why this works, but it does.

Don’t overspend. When my family told me that we weren’t exchanging gifts this year, I found myself with some extra money. So I did what any purse snatcher would do and headed for the bingo hall to win back some of my future Social Security allowance.

Setting aside time for yourself is another stress reliever. Last year people told me I went too far when I hung little Jimmy over the condo balcony by his ankles. This year when little Jimmy and the cider pints start to get to me, I plan on heading over to the bowling alley to try and improve my average of 88.

Last, seek professional help if you need it. Hint: It’s better to seek out this help before the police arrive, because it may be the last chance you can get it.

If the holidays leave you sad, anxious, too overwhelmed to perform chores, irritable, or give you insomnia, then you must be a college student. These feelings are common and mean things are going as they should. For anyone else, I would refer you to Don Corleone. I felt so much better when he put the hit out on little Jimmy this year, that I was like, “Man, I wish Christmas was every day!”

These few tips have really made me reevaluate the holiday season and helped me get into the holiday spirit. Now when I’m cursed at and chased after I steal purses, dressed as Santa, I wave my hand and yell out, “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, you old prunes!”

Mark Pearson searches for the meaning of life as a single man in the Rocky Mountains.

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