I just flew back from Kansas and boy, my arms are tired
Several weeks ago I wrote a column in a vain attempt to use my far-flung influence – as if I truly had any – to steer the Kansas Board of Education members away from what I consider folly. But it appears that after putting in my four and a half cents, the people in charge in our neighboring state could not rise above their religious zealot haze.Instead, even after various other national news reports and numerous derogatory commentaries directed at the board, the members decided to hold several days of hearings to debate the merits of adding creationism – known in some circles as the Theory of Intelligent Design – to the science curriculum as an alternative to Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection.Since no actual scientists were willing to attend the proceedings, I now realize I should have stepped away from my busy schedule to attend the debate in person. Not, however, to defend Natural Selection. With these school board members, that would have been a waste of time. This was my demand that my own version of creation be taught. It’s theory I like to call, Andrew Gmerek’s Theory That I Created Everything.
Granted, there would have been a wave of horror from the members when I first faced the board and informed them that I am, in reality, the creator, but I guess that should be expected. But I figure these guys had plenty of time on their hands since no one else was showing up, and besides, my theory is just as good as any I’ve heard so far.If I had actually attended the discussion, I would have began my lesson by explaining the true meaning of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. All I would have had to do was write E=Andrew Gmerek on a blackboard and that would have caught everyone’s attention. (Most superstitious people really like that mathematical stuff. Even if they have no idea what it means.)Of course, the board members might have done something unexpected – something like asking me for proof.
But even then I’d have had an answer I know would have swung the vote in my favor. “Proof?” I would have laughed. Here was a group of people turning their backs on centuries of science and reason. Here were people who would gladly lump faith in the same category with science, and they were asking me to prove that I created everything?Needless to say, it wouldn’t have taken me long to put them straight. Would I have proved my abilities? Would I have made a prediction and then created a miracle to make it come true?Heck no.All I would have done is tell them they would all burn in hell if they didn’t believe. I would shout that I would soon smite – these people love it when you use biblical words – them for their blasphemy.By the time I was done, they would have known that whoever opposed me was a pawn of Satan.
So next week I’ll be flying off to Ohio – without a plane, of course – or some other state to make the case that I am the creator. Since it seems that as long as you put the words “The Theory of,” in front of just about any notion any crackpot can get his or her ideas taught in schools. By opening the door on what can only be called faith-based science, schools must then allow all “religious theories” to be taught. Soon students will be learning the Theory of Buddhism, Hinduism, Satanism, Christianity, Song Lines, and yes, even Andrew Gmerek’s Theory That I Created Everything.It is truly a sad day for education in America.Andrew Gmerek writesa Friday column. He can be reached at email@example.com.
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