Jeff Johnson: Our Maoist plans |

Jeff Johnson: Our Maoist plans

Jeff Johnson, Commissar
Maoists United to put the StrangleHold on You (M.U.S.H.Y.)
Breckenridge Comintern

I notice the term “Maoist” has been bandied about these pages by many who are seemingly ignorant of what being a Maoist really means. As a life-long Maoist, I would like tell you about our agenda.

1) Very soon, we will foment a rebellion among the working class in Breckenridge, mainly among the T-shirt shop clerks. They will throw off the shackles of their capitalist oppressors, and High Street will run knee-deep in the blood of the land barons and reactionary dogs.

2) Once the rebellion is in full swing, we will seize the BBC, using the lumber to construct a fortress at Maggie Pond. We will then begin to mortar the skiers on Peak 8. The fear generated by our indiscriminate shelling will keep the visitors away in droves, thus destroying Breckenridge’s economic base.

3) The next step will be to confiscate all Bibles. Words like “Father,” “Son” and “Holy Spirit” will be redacted, to be replaced with “Lenin,” “Engels” and “Ethel Rosenberg.”

Upon the completion of this three-pronged attack, we will implement the first Five Year Plan. We will nightly, under the cover of darkness, sneak onto the football field at Summit High, replacing all the green Tiger Turf, one square inch at a time, with a new turf colored crimson RED!

Fatty’s will be renamed “Trotsky’s.” Eric’s will be renamed “Josef’s” and Shamus’s will be renamed … well, never mind, you get the picture. This is our agenda, Summit County! You have been forewarned!

I cannot speak for the Silverthorne Stalinists or the Montezuma Maoists, as they are a bunch of Nancy-boys who do nothing but shout slogans. We in Breck, however, are men and women of ACTION, and you will FEEL OUR HAND!

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