McAbee: For five bucks I’ll …
Special to the Daily
Perhaps you’ve heard the sound of our minds disengaging from the rest of our bodies. No? It’s a resounding “suck”-ing sound. Or perhaps it’s the latest in Internet diversion/distraction apparatuses. Yes it’s a website where people will do all kinds of useful and useless things for you for five bucks.
Yet, like the rubbernecking onlooker that I am, I’ve actually spent some time on the site and have decided to adopt the concept to my column. After all, not all columnists pull down $300K a year like they do at the N.Y. Times. No, some of us have to work a couple of different jobs to make ends meet so I figure what the heck, here is a list of things that I will do for you five bucks. It’s quick. It’s easy and it won’t cost you anything but $5. Good ol’ Abe. You can contact me at the email below, send your $5 to my Pay Pal account which is conveniently tied to the aforementioned email address and I will complete any of these offerings within two weeks of your paid transaction. Ready?
1. I will tell you the Web address of the website where you see what other people are offering for $5 for $5.
2. I will send you a lock of my hair for $5 (after my next haircut).
3. I will call and deliver with eloquent locution, a birthday or some other message to anyone you know for $5.
4. I will light a candle and speak your name aloud repetitively for 15 seconds for $5.
5. I will tell you for whom you should vote for $5.
6. I will email you proverbial wisdom for $5.
7. I will toast you the next time I raise a glass for $5.
8. I will get into a 10 email argumentative exchange with you on any topic. I’ll even give you the choice of which side to argue on for $5.
9. I will recommend a resort for you to ski at this year for $5.
10. I will tell you the secret to happiness for $5.
11. I will be your friend on Facebook for a week and pretend to like you, say witty and flattering things about you, and talk about “old times” with you in a way that makes you look like the stud you really are for $5.
12. I will ask a Reiki professional to send healing Reiki energy your way for half an hour for $5.
13.I will donate $1 in your name to the charity of your choice for $5.
14. I will plant a sapling for you on public land in Summit County for $5 (spring and summer only).
15. I will follow you on Twitter for $5.
16. I will answer any legal question you have (not responsible for damages incurred) for $5.
17. I will give you parenting advice for $5.
18. I will visit your website and tell you if I like it for $5.
19. I will perform some random act of kindness for $5.
20. I will suggest a place to take a first date for $5.
21. I will tell you what skis to buy this season for $5.
Thank you so much for putting your money where I need it most. It’s not easy to pull down six figures a year writing a column. That’s a lot of jack, not to mention a lot of words. If you want to get started though, I will tell you how for $5.
Jeff McAbee is a former Summit County resident now living on the Front Range. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or via Twitter @Jeff_McAbee.
Support Local Journalism
Support Local Journalism
As a Summit Daily News reader, you make our work possible.
Your donation will be used exclusively to support quality, local journalism.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.
User Legend: Moderator Trusted User