Relax, I’ll carry the burden of democracy for you
We’re all busy people here in Summit County. We work, play, drink and recreate hard, and therefore, I figure something has to give. And the thing I think everyone should skip, just to regain some of the time we lose every week, is voting.
Yes, yes, I’m well aware of all those “Get out the vote” and “Rock the vote” ad campaigns attempting to guilt the general population into heading to the polls.
But I can prove that time spent in the voting booth can be as dangerous as secondhand smoke or gambling the rent money away.
Why do I think voting is a bad thing? Well let’s look at the facts. Voting can ruin an entire day. And I’m not talking just an hour or two here. I’m talking a whole day.
Since most people vote before or after work, think of all the things that could go wrong. If you vote after work it means you’re probably arriving home late and certainly skipping dinner with the wife and kids.
This loss of quality family time will eventually accumulate until your wife cries divorce and the kids turn into hoodlums or worse, skateboarders.
If you, instead, vote in the morning, then you will certainly have to skip that first cup of java – the best of the day – and if you’re like me, this can cause uncontrollable twitching, bouts of road rage and even blackouts.
Then you have to consider all the time you’ve wasted voting when you could have been riding the thin ribbon of snow I mean when you could have been enjoying the opening days of Colorado’s celebrated ski season.
Come on. Who would choose to spend time in a claustrophobic polling place when they could be experiencing the wide-open spaces and majestic beauty of the Colorado Rockies?
So, why put yourself through this horrible process. It’s not as if you can make a difference anyway.
I, of course, have always felt this way. Even though I’ve participated in every election since I turned 18, it’s a rare thing when anything I vote “yes” for passes. My candidates seldom win, the issues I find important never take center stage, and no matter how loud I scream and how hard I kick, nobody ever takes my side.
Granted, my opinion might be slightly biased because I grew up as an independent – back when, I might add, there was no such thing as the Independent Party – in the Midwest.
Trust me, Indiana is so Republican parents have elephants tattooed on their babies’ butts. So the actual chance of me voting my consciousness and then getting my way was about as slim as a supermodel eating a cheeseburger with fries.
Scholars will say that every time someone does not exercise their right to vote in a democracy, it shifts more power to a smaller and more radical group of people. But I say, who really cares what those eggheads think anyway?
So, please do me a favor and don’t vote Nov. 4. I’m willing to accept the burden of making decisions for you. I’m ready to waste my time with the democratic process so you can enjoy the carefree pleasures of living in the High Country.
Besides, it’s been a long time since I’ve had my way at the polls, and I promise my agenda isn’t too radical.
Andrew Gmerek writes a Friday column for the Summit Daily News. He turned in this column written in the thick black pencil found in the voting booths. Early voting ends today at the Summit County Courthouse. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Support Local Journalism
Support Local Journalism
As a Summit Daily News reader, you make our work possible.
Your donation will be used exclusively to support quality, local journalism.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.
User Legend: Moderator Trusted User