The sports world needs you, Santa – again
December 22, 2005
Dear Santa:Me again. ‘Tis the season, of course, to talk sports. You can help. In fact, we need your help as much as ever. The sports world is in decent shape overall, now that Joe Paterno is once again the hero he deserves to be held as. And it was delightful to see the Eagles choose losing – the defending NFC champs are 6-8 right now – instead of allowing a cancer (Terrell Owens) to grow some more. But there are other, pressing issues that need Saint Nick’s magical touch. If you have the time:- It’s gone on long enough. Poker must be returned to basements, casinos and TV oblivion. There is no way people playing cards should be on so many channels at so many hours. Not only is this bad for America – specifically the pending five-year debt of our nation’s youth – but poker is literally as deserving of TV time as Go Fish; Tic, Tac, Toe; or Rock, Paper, Scissors.
– Once again, college football needs a playoff system. Please, Santa, don’t allow this to become a rhetorical request. The BCS is BS. It’s all about money and hype, and it’s not the best option we have. You’ll have to cut through quite a bit of red tape if you tackle this one, but sports fans everywhere will be grateful you did.- In the name of the toil and devotion put in by soccer moms everywhere, can you arrange it so the U.S. somehow wins the World Cup?- I would like the tape recording of Johnny Damon’s first conversation with George Steinbrenner, after the shaggy center fielder left Boston’s Red Sox to sign with New York’s Yankees. Specifically, what I’m after here is the way the Boss chose to remind Damon of his club’s grooming requirements. Did he say, “Johnny, please cut your hair and shave your face whenever you get a free moment,” or was it more like, “Johnny, you look like a Newfoundland. Change it.”- You know Matt Leinart, the dude who lives on top of the world? I’d like to be him for a day. Preferably after he signs his first NFL contract.- Repeat after me, Santa: “Rockies, Texans, Devil Rays, Raptors, Temple football … you are no longer allowed to field teams.”- Force Mike Shanahan to stare at himself for an hour in the mirror like he stares at everyone else when he’s on the job. Honestly, that stare could set fire to a forest.
– Set up a nice little TV network in a nice little desert (the Sahara?) and send the following persons to work there: Sean Salisbury, Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, Billy Packer, Rick Sutcliffe, Joe Theismann, Paul Maguire and Joe Morgan.- Make sure that network is not offered by my cable provider.- See if you can arrange a no-holds-barred snowball fight/whitewashing between Bode Miller and Hermann Maier. (While you’re at it, see if Maier is actually part robot.)- For the good of American sports, clone Tom Brady.OK, Santa, I think that should do it. Tell Blitzen and Comet I say what’s up, and pass along my condolences to Donner on his antler. Damn bighorn sheep …And hey, before I forget, congrats on 500 years with Mrs. Claus!
Your pal,Devon O’NeilDevon O’Neil can be contacted at (970) 668-3998, ext. 13630, or at email@example.com.
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