Stock up on alien abduction insurance while you can
I recently joined my company’s insurance program, a startling procedure I wouldn’t recommend to people unless they are extremely healthy and don’t need medical attention in this century.
Sure, I’ve heard the HMO and PPO horror stories. You can’t set foot in a doctor’s office without a note from two other physicians, approval from The Big Company that Grants Approval for Medical Visits and a darn good reason why you want to visit the doctor.
It’s easier to visit the gold bars stacked in the vault at Fort Knox.
What’s scary to me is the number of choices. My fears were calmed, however, after I read an article about the various kinds of insurance out there.
We’ve all heard about Bruce Springsteen’s voice insurance, your legs if you’re a model and your arms if you’re a baseball player. And of course, you can insure your expensive wine collection if it turns to vinegar or your stud horse if he doesn’t, uh, perform.
There’s always been insurance for the rest of us.
Going on a flight? Worried that you’re going to crash? There’s flight insurance. I bet they make a mint off those people you see in airplanes who are holding their breath and clutching their armrests with their fingernails.
Have a pet? Tired of its vet bills? They’ve got insurance for that, too.
And there’s insurance for “acts of God,” which makes me wonder if atheists can sign on. Fire, flood, feast, famine. They’ve got it covered.
There is even insurance for wedding mishaps. If the caterer brings a pig on a spit to the affair and you’d ordered vegetarian plates, the insurance will cover it. If the weather misbehaves, you can be covered.
If the bride gets cold feet, that’s your problem. And if the relationship ends up in divorce court, well, tough beans there, too.
There’s insurance that will cover kidnappings – and it comes with negotiators. The cost of the premiums, it is noted in the tiny print, is directly related to your notoriety.
If you’re, say, me, going to Oregon, I won’t have to pay much. If you’ve got the name Rockefeller and you’re going to Iraq, they’re going to be a bit higher.
You can get insurance in case you get injured by a ghost.
Got a problem with your girlfriend or wife? There’s John Wayne Bobbitt insurance. Been hit by an asteroid? There’s insurance for that, too.
You can even get “immaculate conception” insurance. They pay if you can prove the child’s father is God. I don’t even want to go there.
What kills me – no pun intended – is that you can get insurance for alien abductions.
But here’s one better: An insurance company actually gave real money to a real man who claimed he was abducted by real aliens! Seems there was an electrician in London who was out “looking for aliens,” and lo and behold, there was a bright star in the sky and it descended out of the heavens and gobbled him up! Whoa!
The aliens “examined” him as they are reported to do, then returned him to Earth. And he promptly went to his insurance agent, who promptly doled out £ 1 million sterling, which translated to American insurance payouts is equal to four bling-bling.
I have a lot of questions about this payout.
Whatever was this insurance agent thinking? Where do I sign up? Can we get him to work for our insurance company? And how did the electrician prove he was abducted? Bring back a probe? Photographs? A sexy hot-mama alien? A ray gun? A lava lamp?
Yes, I have lots of questions, indeed. But I can’t think about them now. I’m headed to Roswell, N.M. My UFO is landing.
Jane Stebbins can be reached at
(970) 668-3998, ext. 228, or email@example.com.
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