Summit Up 1-21-11: Slaves to fashion |

Summit Up 1-21-11: Slaves to fashion

A model presents a creation by Japanese fashion designer Yohji Yamamoto as part of his Men's fall-winter 2011/2012 fashion collection presented in Paris, Thursday, Jan. 20, 2011.(AP Photo/Jacques Brinon)

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s itchin’ to try some-a dat new fashion! Look at this guy in this photo, with a jacket depicting what looks like a naked Japanese lady doing … something. It took us a while to figure out that’s what it was. At first, we thought the jacket depicted two battling echidnas, or perhaps a pair of river otters dancing.

We just weren’t sure. But then, the more we looked, the less like an optical illusion it looked like and the more, y’know, naked lady doing something.

This, by the way, is an Associated Press photo from some fashion show in France. Now, we know folks in Summit County aren’t exactly fashionistas. After all, up here the ladies are considered to be accessorizing when they’re wearing a knee brace, and a guy is considered to be “dressed up” if he’s wearing his newer Patagonia fleece as opposed to the one with the motor room grease slick up one sleeve and the obligatory duct-tape here and there.

It’s hard to imagine, therefore, what we’d do with a dinner jacket emblazoned with Japanese naked lady. Show up to Wine in the Pines with it next September? Alarm mom when she comes to visit? How do you pull this off outside, say, a modeling runway in Paris (where, presumably, you could have much more outrageous threads than this without raising an eyebrow)?

We don’t know. We don’t understand “fashion.” So far as we’re concerned, everyone should just have these one-piece zip-up things – one for summer, one for winter and maybe in a couple of different colors. Kinda like in ancient Rome, when everyone cruised around in a white toga. You never had to think twice about what to wear in the morning:

Roman Dude (in front of closet perusing row after row of white togas): Hmmm … what to wear?

Roman Wife (offstage): Wear your white toga! It just came back from the cleaners!

Roman Dude: Huh? They’re all white!

Roman Wife: The one that’s slightly off white. It’s ivory fer cryin’ out Nero’s sake! Light beige or cream. Are you blind?

Women are like that with colors, we’ve found. We can’t distinguish at all between black and navy blue, but if we come out wearing what we think are navy pants with a black shirt or something, our wife tells us we’ve got it all wrong, and we head back to the drawing board dreaming of the one-piece zip-up suit thing.

Animals really have it made, truth be told. Unless you’re one of those dogs that has to suffer the indignity of having your owner strap a goofy-looking sweater on your back (or, worse yet, a hotdog outfit around Halloween), you really don’t have to think much about fashion at all as an animal. And if you’re one of those critters with a really cool coat – a cheetah, a leopard, a zebra, a tapir, etc. – you’re pretty much always in fashion.

Think about it.

Folks, it’s almost the weekend, there’s a crap-load o’ snow out there for the playin’ and we’re all still young and good lookin’ so get on it, doggonit!

We out.

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