Summit Up 1-30-10
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s ready to hold forth on the scintillating topics of fenderbergs and mind implants.
On the first, yes it is indeed fenderberg season. We get these accumulations in our wheel wells that get so clunky that, at times, we can no longer steer our vehicle – we just sorta sit back and go along for the ride. Then, on a warmer day, one of them will break free and scare the hell out of us, as it sounds like something important – a strut, perhaps, or maybe a CV joint – has disengaged itself from our vehicle and fallen by the wayside. Or, the fenderberg will drop off while the car is parked, and when we go to back out, we think we’re running over something.
One thing many people don’t know about fenderbergs is that, when found on the ground, scientists often confuse them with meteorites and other space debris. That’s because the typical Summit County fenderberg contains a potent cocktail of chemical substances. As a way of setting up a control group to prevent these cases of mistaken identity from occurring in the future, a recent NASA experiment revealed the following ingredients in a single fenderberg removed from a 1988 Jeep Wagoneer in Heeney:
-Skittles brand candy shards
-Pampers brand diaper fragment (used)
-Walmart-brand windshield wiper fluid
-Tetrahydrozylene stearate byzantium
-Manwich-brand sloppy joe mix
-Tears (Glen Beck)
-Tears (some clown)
-Froot Loops residue
Weird, eh? So next time you shed a fenderberg, you might want to pick it up and let Li’l Johnny go to town with it with his chemistry set. Who knows – he might invent the next deadly herbicide!
We promised something about mind implants, so here goes: We received a fax (the 8-track tape of modern communications) from a guy named Chad Kister in Nelsonville, Ohio, who has this alarming news:
“I have an audio recording of the owner of a home surveillance store in Columbus, Al Smith, who said that he signed an affidiavit for a woman who had a brain implant in her head after looking at her x-rays and testing for radio frequencies. The audio interview is available for free at http://www.chadkister.com. I also have a half-hour interview with Jeff Stibel, chairman of Braingate, a company which makes brain implants. He confirms that this technology exists.”
The jumble of dangling participles notwithstanding, a trusted source like a surveillance store owner in Ohio named Al Smith is enough to get us wondering: What if we have brain implants and don’t even know it? The cure, Chad tells us, is to go get an X-ray to make sure you’re clean. Not sure how you get it out if you get one, but surely a clear diagnosis is the first step!
Can you believe it’s almost February?
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: No way! Holy crap! Seems like we were just making our New Year’s resolutions!
SU: Yes, and it also means that it’s almost Groundhog Day, which is about as meaningful to Summit County residents as, um, Gila Monster Day, which is celebrated, we imagine, in hot places. Anyway, the point being the whole “six more weeks of winter – or not” isn’t particularly relevant when you live in a place where it loves to snow in May and even June. What we really need is our own version of Groundhog Day that tells us whether we’ll get three more months of winter … or four, or even five. The closest critter we can think of is the marmot, which we have around here in abundance. Surely these critters would have something to say about the lenght of winter? Anyone out there have a marmot in the neighborhood whose actions they can track? We know they’re sorta hibernating now, but when they come out, maybe they look around a bit – and from that we can create some ridiculous prognostication holiday that means more to us?
Just a thought.
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