Summit Up 1-7-10
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s feeling all sore and exhilirated after an outing at the Frisco Nordic Center Wednesday morning. Yep, we figgered it was time to get out and do a little skinny skiing, seein’s how this awesome facility is right around the block from us, practically, and here we are all the time with our butts glued to our chairs eating expired snack food.
Anyway, Nordic center manager Rob Weeks got us set up with gear, and our awesome instructor Robert Schmidt gave us a great lesson for a few never-evers and some of us who hadn’t been out in a while. There’s really nothing like the workout you get from Nordic skiing – plus all that peace and quiet and stuff. We’ve gotta get out there more often! Suggest you do the same …
How weird is it that we now have an “Underwear Bomber?” We remember, back when we were young, we just had “Una” bombers, and then, later, shoe bombers. What’s the world coming to when people are putting bombs in their underwear? Isn’t that uncomfortable? What if you’re wearing a thong?
Points to ponder.
We were rummaging around in our closet and found this odd rumination from 10 years ago about what it would like to be 400 years old. Check it:
We were thinking about this because we got an e-mail from someone telling us that, on Jan. 25, (2000), PBS was to broadcast a special on the regeneration of human body parts and increasing the human life span. Some company, they told us, called Aastrom Biosciences “enables the regeneration of human body parts, cells, genes and increases human life spans to 400+ years.”
Now, obviously we missed the special, and so, probably, did you (we think there was a big WWB match between Ed “The Mutilator” Mulligan and Stone Dead Fred Lathrop that night). But think about it: 400 years old. What are the ramifications?
• For starters, you’d always be annoying people with obtuse references to a bygone era – kind of like how that Highlander guy is always saying stuff like “During the French Revolution …”
• When would you retire if you live to be 400? At 365 or so? But what if it (whatever “it” is) doesn’t work, and you keel over at only 350 without ever enjoying retirement?
• By the time you reach age 375 or so, we bet your Social Security checks are for, like, 7 cents or so. Better start working on that IRA and 401(K) now, eh? Especially if you want to retire at 65. That’s like 40 years of work and 360 years of goofing off on the shuffleboard court!
• Speaking of shuffleboard, if everyone lives to be 400+, shuffleboard will be much, much bigger than football, baseball, basketball and hockey combined.
• The whole world will be “Matlock” crazy, and poor Dick Van Dyke will be exhumed, brushed off and made to do a bunch of new shows.
• AARP will be more powerful than all world governments and the NRA combined.
• Anyone under 100 will be laughed at and ignored if they try to add their two cents to any discussion.
• Everyone will be such a bad driver that cars will have to be made of foam rubber, and all drivers will have to wear full body armor and helmets at all times. Instead of sitting in a seat, you will ride in a vat of warm Jell-O, which will afford excellent protection in the event of a crash.
• OK, just one more cliche: If everyone lives to be 400+, Furr’s Cafeterias will be bigger than McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Applebees, KFC and Sizzler combined. Also, dinner time will be move from between 6 and 7 p.m. to between 3:30 and 5 p.m. for the early bird specials.
Personally, we think we’d prefer to keel over at 85 than endure another 300 years of shuffleboard and queuing up at Furr’s!
So we were hearing about this new “reality” show based in Aspen called Secrets of Aspen which, not surprisingly, Aspen locals despise. Apparently they think the show exaggerates Aspen’s glitz and focuses on a buch of spoiled drama queens – and we’re sure there are no real people like that in a town with $30 million homes and people whose only job is to put ski boots on for folks at the fancy hotels.
We can’t help but wonder, though, what Secrets of Summit County would look like. Would it show women in duct-taped ski pants stuffing their pockets with free happy-hour food? Guys vying for the sofa-surfing record? Visitors outfitting themselves for skiing in the aisles of Walmart? Send your ideas to firstname.lastname@example.org
It’s a different world over here than in Aspen, and we’re glad of it. Meanwhile, stay tuned for the next episode of “Secrets of Aspen” on VH1 – on tonight at 5:30!
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