Summit Up 10-19-10: And now a word from the pine beetle … | SummitDaily.com
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Summit Up 10-19-10: And now a word from the pine beetle …

by Milton Q. Beetlebaum

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s going to tell both sides of the story no matter how ridiculous one side may be. Ahem.

That’s right. It has recently been brought to our attention that our coverage of the Pine Beetle kill …

(a very small voice yelling in the background)

… excuse us, the Pine Beetle situation, has been somewhat biased. Apparently.

So, to show our commitment to fair and balanced journalism, we sat down with the destructive little pest, uh, we mean the Pine Beetle himself. Because we had to. He threatened to eat our Christmas tree. Anyway, here’s the interview.

Summit Up: So, Mr. Beetle, you’ve been … busy. Countless lodgepole pines devoured, 2.5 million acres ravaged, forest ecosystems destabilized, fire hazards up. So the world is dying to know: Aren’t you full yet?

Pine Beetle: I’m just here to say, a guy’s gotta eat. You don’t see me going on about how the pizza population of the United States has been almost wiped out by the human epidemic. So lay off already.

SU: Of course. But we’re wondering whether you might consider varying your diet a little bit. Maybe switch to something smaller or less ecologically valuable. Like crab grass. Or perhaps solid waste from our local treatment plants. And we understand nuclear plants also have things they’d like to get rid of.

Pine Beetle: Look, it’s not that I haven’t considered other options. Believe me, bark gets old. But I also love the Aspen trees up here and I thought I’d clear out a little space for them too. You have to admit, the pines are kind of cluttering up the place.

SU: So do you have anything to say about the recent fire in Fraser that was, in large part, your fault?

Pine Beetle: Hey, I have an entire state trying to exterminate me. I don’t have time to worry about forest fires.

SU: And the money the government is spending, during a budget crisis, to remove all the trees you’ve killed?

Pine Beetle: It’s always good to see my tax dollars at work.

SU: So how do you feel about your recent reclassification to parasite?

Pine Beetle: What? You just made that up!

SU: No we didn’t, it’s right here in tomorrow’s edition of Summit Up.

Pine Beetle: This is ridiculous. It’s libel, you’re going to be hearing from my lawyer, and if you think for one minute that I’m going to sit here and let you …

Here the interview was unexpectedly cut short when we accidentally squished the pine beetle with yesterday’s issue of the SDN. Oh, well. But there you have it, the other side of the story. Tomorrow perhaps we’ll hear from bed bugs or sharks or zebra mussels to hear how they’re just woefully misunderstood, etc. etc.

***

OK, here’s a note from Keith and Barbara Bond about a cool thing coming up Wednesday:

“It’s been decided: On Oct. 20, we will wear purple in honor of the six gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple Oct. 20. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools. RIP Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase and Billy Lucas. You are loved.”

Summit Up may be mostly about the silly, but we’re behind respect and tolerance for all people and will have our purple on Wednesay. Now if we can just find that one-piece, zip-up, polypropylene purple pantsuit we saved from the ’70s …

***

Well folks, that time has come once again when we have to BS our way to the bottom of the column just to fill space because we don’t have room to start a whole ‘nother topic. So that’s what we’re doing now. Getting closer and closer and … we out!


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