Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wishing our name really was Goober Wafflebutt.See, we’ve been nosing around children’s books, and we found one that had us on the floor laughing. It’s called “Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants” by Dave Pilkey. The book entails an evil professor who forces everyone to assume new names.Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:a = snickleb = doombahc = gooberd = cheeseye = crustyf = greasyg = dumboh = farcusi = dorkyj = doofusk = funkyl = boobiem = sleezyn = sloopyo = fluffyp = stinkyq = slimyr = dorfuss = snootyt = tootsie
u = dipsyv = sneezyw = liverx = skippyy = dinkyz = zippyUse the second letter of your middle name to determine the first half of your new last name:a = dippinb = featherc = giggled = burgere = chickenf = barffyg = lizardh = wafflei = farklej = monkeyk = flippinl = frickenm = bubblen = rhinoo = pottyp = hamster
q = buckler = gizzards = lickint = snickleu = chucklev = picklew = hubblex = dingley = gorillaz = girdleUse the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:a = buttb = boobc = faced = nosee = humpf = breathg = pantsh = shortsi = lipsj = honkerk = head
l = tushm = chunksn = dunkino = brainsp = biscuitsq = toesr = doodles = fannyt = snifferu = sprinklesv = frackw = squirtx = humperdincky = hineyz = juiceWe hear at the Sleazy Dippin Humperdinck wish everyone a hilarious new name.***Valerie, one of our field agents in Atlanta, shared some good news with us this week. She’s moving into town. After many writings to Summit Up where she complained about the city life, the corruption, the constant need for Scum Alerts, she said she’s coming out soon to do some remodeling of her new home.She said she’s “Looking forward to my title becoming ‘Local’ from ‘Field Agent.'” (We’ll have to remind her that it takes years to become a true local, or to skip that stage, you have to change your name to Biff America. Either one works.)***It’s Saturday, the first day in the rest of our life here at Summit Up. Let us know what your names turned out to be at email@example.com, or on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 257.We’re out with our bellies full of barbecue.
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