Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that, fortunately, enjoys a little bit of anonymity.
A few of the Summit Up Staffers were driving up and down Summit Boulevard Friday, testing a new experimental engine we developed that runs on recycled aluminum foil and Enron stock certificates. The conversation turned to how, here in Summit Up Land, you can look around at all the passing cars and, chances are, you’ll recognize about half the other people riding around.
“I like that,” one staffer said.
“Then you must not pick your nose very much,” the other staffer said.
And this is true: We realize we’re probably guilty of sinus mining more than most – it is dry here, after all. But you have to admit, we all do it occasionally. And often, this occurs when we’re zoned out, sitting at a traffic light. Unfortunately, we all live in a town where everybody knows everybody.
Therefore, we call upon our local government officials to pass resolutions, proclamations and whatever else it takes, declaring that it’s OK to pick, scratch, burp, toot, have toilet paper stuck to your shoe, leave your zipper unzipped or just plain walk out of the house having forgotten to put your pants on in the morning.
Well, OK, maybe that last one was just a shameless attempt to persuade the judge after our most recent court appearance, but you can’t blame us for trying.
We’ll leave the specific details to you local lawmaker-types, but forward us whatever you come up with and we’ll give it our stamp of approval.
It’s a Double Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! Saturday.
Justin called. He said he was shocked and appalled Wednesday when “some jerk in a black Toyota truck spit on one of the nice gals doing the flagging at the Dillon Dam Road construction.”
We’re having a hard time thinking of anything more repulsive and unconscionable at the moment. Expectoration isn’t that attractive to begin with, but this takes it to a whole new level. We wonder how the driver of that truck would feel if we passed out his license plate number to everyone and told them to spit on his truck as it passes, and to get even more creative if they find it parked. But that would just be evil, so instead, we’ll hope this particular person reads this and realizes the evil of his ways.
The second Scum Alert!! is actually a double Scum Alert!! all by itself. It comes from “Jake’s mom”; she wrote to us a couple weeks ago about her son’s scooter getting stolen. It gets worse:
“Question. Does bad luck run in threes? This is Jake’s mom again. This morning I looked out my window of my home and noticed something missing – MY CAR!! After hours of searching from the police (thank you by the way), they hadn’t any luck. My son, Jake, fresh back from vacation, returned later in the day. When I told him what had happened he said “I know where it is. I saw it on my way home.’ Sure enough there was my car parked next to a local bar, none the worse for the wear except for the massive amount of vomit throughout. Now that I have cleaned out the puke-mobile, I again ask the question: Does bad luck run in threes? All I know is that my dog has asked me to put her biscuits and favorite stuffed animal under lock and key. I’m outta here.”
We’d wish some karmic retribution on this rapscallion, but if you’re getting drunk and puking in cars you stole to drive to the bar, you’re probably not far away from reaping what you sow.
And, Jake’s mom, did the cops test the vomit to get the creep’s DNA?
It’s Saturday, but we’re still here to listen to your predictions about how much white stuff we’ll get this winter at summitup@summit daily.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just make the sound of water freezing on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
We’re out making sure nobody we know is looking …
* * *
This Summit Up staffer is missing her kitty. Even though the little feline has been gone for a couple days, we’re worried. If anyone has seen a brown and orange tabby in the vicinity of Miner’s Creek Road in Frisco, please call 668-3998, ext. 227. Her name is Ripley. She also has a partially shaved square patch on her back from a recent surgery.
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