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Summit Up

Scott BullockGarth In Paradise

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wishing the U.S. Forest Service a grand 100th birthday.

The good old USFS, which is so understaffed, cheerily puts up with the federal and state bureaucracies to help protect our land and environment. The local forest rangers are passionate about what they do and at the same time, they are also logical.

Pine beetles, they say, are just a slow-moving wildfire killing one tree at a time. They also say it’s a healthy way to re-introduce new life to the forest (it just looks like mud…), so we might not want to go killing every single one of the suckers.

They also deal with weighty matters like fighting off commercial interests and fire prevention, which we salute with a full Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!!

Wings and halos to all the people with the forest service, and a big happy birthday to our favorite federal service.

Having said all that, though, we want to offer our help. We came up with a few ideas for the next 100 years on how we can protect our forests ( and yes, we just heard everyone sigh):

*) Create “random exploding trees” so that anyone who illegally cuts down a tree knows they might get blown up in the process.

^) No more trails or roads. You want to cut down some forest, then we’ll make it tough for you.

#) Let’s go ahead and multiply the number of rangers by 100, so we can actually manage our natural resources.

$) Charge snowmobilers and ATV drivers for season passes to use the forest. Use that money to hire more rangers.

@) We need more “Robin Hoods,” who hide out in the forest with their merry gangs and frighten the rich.

!) If there are no Robin Hood gangs, then we need Ewoks. Anyone who saw Star Wars understands that Ewoks are environmental stewards, they live in the trees and they’re not afraid to kick a little butt when someone brings war to their backyard.

We could do more, but then we’d just end up suggesting “we train flying squirrels to be weapons,” which is just plain ludicrous.

Kind of like this column.

Either way, we’re proud to be an American.


It’s Saturday. We out …

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