Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that has to stop reading the newspaper before we have another breast-clutching, fist-pounding episode.
That’s our breast and fist, by the way, not somebody else’s.
This is just too ironic: Aspen Elementary School was planning on teaching its first- through fourth-graders yoga this year – you know, the stretching, breathing and concentrating practice that will either make a man out of you, or a pretzel. The teachers’ thinking, though, is that it will help calm kids and give them a bit more exercise than playing Playstation.
Sounds good, right? Well, not to Aspen’s First Baptist Church and pastor Steve Woodrow. He went to the school board this week and complained that there’s supposed to be a separation of church and state, that religion has no place in school. Yoga, he said, is about Hinduism, and you can’t separate the spiritualism from the spaghetti-stretching.
Kind of makes you wonder where Mr. Woodrow stood on the whole Pledge of Allegiance issue, huh?
Regardless, we’ve prepared yet another of our lists, this one on all the things we think should be taken out of school:
n Wood shop. Jesus was a carpenter. Obviously there’s a church-state conflict there.
n Astronomy. Uh, Star of David, Judaism … Need we say more?
n Mandatory showers after gym class. That has nothing to do with religion, but it always creeped us out anyway.
n Business classes. All that talk about the Dow is really code for Eastern philosophy. You can’t fool us.
n Anatomy lab. Don’t tell us that knee-bone-connected-to-the-whatever crap isn’t a prelude to Shintoism indoctrination. (Shin-toe, get it?)
n Culinary arts. Sufi, souffle, sorry there’s too much rouge on our neck to tell the difference.
n Civil rights. Those lessons on sit-ins could turn our kids into Protestants.
We think you’re beginning to get the idea.
Jim from Summit County Search and Rescue called and wanted us to help him thank Travis and Pug Ryan’s, and Murray and High Country Radio for the bang-up fund raiser they put together Wednesday. That day, the good people of Summit Up Land swarmed the Tiki Bar and raised more than $1,000 to benefit the search-and-rescue team. Travis donated all the beer and food, and Murray’s crew broadcast the event and gave away raffle prizes they’d collected from other businesses.
“We didn’t have to do anything but show up,” Jim told us. “We’re extremely appreciative, especially with the fiscal situation in the county. Thanks to the community for really supporting us.”
It’s easy, Jim, because we want you to be able to come look for us when we’re lost.
Please refrain from talking during this Friday. Our concession stand in the lobby is ready to serve you with buttery popcorn and an assortment of candies. So, sit back and enjoy the feature presentation. If you don’t, comments can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755, or just make that shoe-sole-stuck-on-butter sound on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
We’re out creating our own theocracy …
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