Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column being distracted by beauty.It’s like we’re being slapped with a peacock’s tail. We sit down and try and write the mediocre American novel, and before the ink touches the page, we’re cursing the Lord Almighty for planting these mountains in front of our eyes.What good are they – these distractions, these zits on the world? Are they for intimidating? Are they for perspective? Phooey. We walk over them as they sleep, which they do consistently do between noon and noon.We ski down their haunches. We watch the trees sway in the breeze, and we marvel at how much these trees move compared to that stony, sleepy giant in the background.What is our worth? What good is art when nature’s already done the work for us?We apologize. On these days, the writer in us refuses to acknowledge writer’s block; instead, we point at the obvious and blame it for our lack of motivation. It’s as if the periods we type weigh as much as barbells. We stare at that area of the keyboard that goes “UIOP” and we say that many times until it dawns on us how gross that really is.We apologize again.We have reached into the subject bag and came up with a blank slip. We have flipped it over, and found the other side even more blank. We are staring into the void. We are shading our eyes from the magnificent scenery. The deer grazing on the grass should flee and run. It is pathetic how nature flaunts itself. If we could converse with it right now, we’d shout, “Have some grace!”Pause.Pause.Pause.And then it dawns on us again. This is why we shouldn’t start a column “Good morning,” and be penning it at night. Phew. This seems like the most tangible excuse yet … but wait. Finally we have an idea. It’s coming on like a brass band crescendo … truly, this is the only daily column with a beautiful stream of consciousness, and in that stream, a headache.***Finally, we are updating the list of “in” words for the cubicle environment (Cube Farm) in the 21st century, just in time for a grisly workday morning. This is a clip-n-save feature that you don’t wanna miss, so go ahead and grab your scissors (we’ll wait right here) and cut this baby out, bring it to work today and impress your friends and colleagues with your up-to-date vocabulary. Start using these words every day and who knows, maybe they’ll become common usage and you’ll gain renown as a trend-setter.BUZZWORDS:BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.ASSMOSIS – The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.CUBE FARM – An office filled with cubicles.PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)MOUSE POTATO – The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.SITCOMs – Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business.”STRESS PUPPY – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia,” needless paperwork and processes.404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit “reply all”)BEER COAT – The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.BEER COMPASS – The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.BREAKING THE SEAL – Your first pee in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.MONKEY BATH – A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: “Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!”***It’s Labor Day, which means we’re heading for the hills. Leave us a voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 257, or drop us an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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