Good morning, and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column switching shoes.The last two weekends, we snuck away from the Oktoberfests for a few hours to partake in the annual Parade of Shoe Swapping. The general public calls the event the Parade of Homes, but we call it as we see it: A great opportunity to trade out our ratty sandals for rich people’s shiny new shoes.See, the keepers of those million-plus dollar homes demand you take off your shoes before entering. Some people feel like naughty kids – or Asians – when asked to remove their shoes before stepping into a home, but we take no offense. We just take our time slipping off our footwear, and we secretly peruse the premises for fancier shoes.
The first weekend, we swapped out our torn sandals for a pair of glittery turquoise slippers that Cinderella herself would ride her pumpkin across the country for. (Since you don’t know if Staffer Assigned XX or Staffer Assigned XY is writing this, you’ll just have to use your imagination. Either Staffer Assigned XX is the princess type, or Staffer Assigned XY thinks beaded shoes complement his scruffy beard. Speaking of gender bending, if you missed the Breckenridge Festival of Film’s showing of “Zerophilia,” boy, or should we say “girl,” did you miss a good one. Can you imagine changing genders every time you have an orgasm?)Uh oh. The red alarm on top of our computers just went off. The Corporate Suites Powers-That-Have-Been-Are-And-Will-Be have installed sexually-sensitive sensors into this wonderful box we type into; you see, we failed the sexual harassment quiz miserably, and everyone who fails it gets the equivalent of an ankle bracelet, only it goes on their computers so they can’t spread their deviant thoughts to the public. They’re talking about installing some sort of electronic muzzle on those of us who fail the sexual harassment quiz, but so far, the department of health has prevented them from physically restraining our spoken words.Anyway, back to shoes, as the hot red screaming alarm is reminding us to do. We like that the Parade of Shoe Swapping takes place over two weekends, because theoretically, at least, it allows for different weather. Often, the first weekend brings out sandals and other summery-type footwear – even if it’s not warm enough for open toes, our hearty residents tend to fend off winter until the last second by wearing shorts, T-shirts and sandals. But this also means you have to be selective; scoring sandals soaked with a summer’s stock of sweat isn’t a sweet step. (We’re not sure what just came over us, but it seems the Corporate Honchos also are going to have to install that anti-alliteration alarm on our computer.)The following weekend, we hope for snow because winter’s coming, and we need new boots. We’ve gone home with great hiking boots, as well as some fun, furry boots you just can’t find in Summit County because they’re too darn impractical.
Some of the homes in the Parade of Shoe Swapping also offer perfect training for trick-or-treating. You may dismiss the importance of training for Halloween, but we’ve found that it’s all-too important to learn the fine art of going back – again and again – to the same source for candy. Because, let’s face it: Some houses just have crappy candy. So you wanna hit the good houses, and hit them hard. We practiced in one $2.25 million home that overlooked the lake. We’d take our jacket off, stroll through the kitchen, grab a couple Tootsie Rolls. Then we’d put our jacket on, mess up our hair, and grab some mini Snickers. We considered using full costume changes by raiding the owner’s huge walk-in closet, but yellow “Caution” tape (much like the big red alarm on our computer) kept us from overstepping our boundaries.Now that the Parade of Shoe Swapping is over, we’re considering holding a coat drive to balance the possibly negative karma we may have accrued …***
It’s Tuesday and we’re out swiggin’ rum, extending Talk Like a Pirate Day. Drop us a line and tell us about your booty at summitup@ summitdaily.com. Otherwise, we (and ye) are out …
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