Summit Up 11-26-09 |

Summit Up 11-26-09

Thomas Q. Turkey, Esq. III
EPSON scanner image

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s got a plan for this Thanksgiving Day to either relieve the tension from too much poultry consumption or ease our worries following the Broncos/Giants game: a bed of nails.

Yep, we were just reading a story somewhere about how folks in Sweden have turned onto a new fad: lying on a nail bed. Apparently the modern version isn’t really nails but hard plastic thingies embedded in a mat that you lie down on as a form of accupressure. It’s healing, they say.


SU: No, really, it’s supposed to be so relaxing you can actually fall asleep while lying on the, um, bed of nails. You can find out all about them at or – although that one’s in Swedish with prices in Kroners or something, so you have to do a little thinkin’ and convertin’.


So, as we noted and as you are no doubt aware, this is Thanksgiving Day, and since most of our readers are either making or consuming dinner or watching football (or some combination thereof) we feel under no obligation to make this column interesting today. Why should we waste our best (or any) material if you’re not even going to read it? But, then, if you are reading this, you’ve obviously read this far and are perhaps expecting something more substantial than this little navel-gazing exercise.

So for our turkey this year, we tried to go the healthy route because we read that the ones you get in the supermarket have been frozen since the Nixon administration, are actually made of Soylent Green and are jacked-up with all kinds of chemicals that’ll put boobs on men and chest hair on women (if the turkey folks could reverse this somehow, maybe they’d have something). These mutant turkeys are so pumped on steroids and antibiotics they could be mistaken for MLB players with ear infections. Get it?

sound of crickets; a dog barks somewhere; paint dries

Anyway, we tried looking at an “heirloom, free-ranging, all-natural organically happy turkey – only ‘lightly killed’ and with a dignified graveside service featuring a bagpipe version of Turkey in the Straw,” – but it was a little spendy (like three or four times more than the el-cheapo bionic turkey they sell for like 5 bucks at Megamart). The Denver natural grocer we popped into for a look actually charged just for a “viewing” of the bird, which turned out only to be a video of the high-falutin’ fowl poking around in a yard whilst hippies fanned it with palm fronds.

Well, there’s always the yams. Those are all natural, right?


Finally today, we have a note here that says this:

“Hey kids, be sure to pick up your coloring contest form at

Sunshine Cafe. This is the last weekend to add your creative touch and submit your masterpiece to win a FREE breakfast for four at Sunshine Cafe. Entries must be submitted by Dec. 3.”

Sounds cool. But kids, you shouldn’t be reading this column: It’ll rot your brain and stunt your growth!

Happy bird day. We out.

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