Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column thinkin’ about that Ice Melt clock teetering on the brink of wetness out there on the frozen waters of Lake Dillon.
You know the game: The Sheriff’s Office takes this contraption – we think it’s two 55-gallon drums soldered together with a time-thingie on it – and place it on the lake from a gargantuan helicopter. Then the betting begins! Normally sane people, going a little bonkers waiting for spring, hand over scads of money to the Rotary Club in $2 increments and, in return, get to guess exactly – to the second – when the contraption will fall in the melting lake. Whoever guesses closest to the actual time of dumpage, wins $2,000.
Well, the deadline to get your guess in is Friday, but that ice is looking a wee bit thin. In fact, it’s looking so thin, it’s got the Rotarian-types biting their nails. If the contraption falls in before the deadline to submit guesses arrives, well … that spells quite a conundrum. (We love that word: Conundrum, conundrum, conundrum.)
We sent a sleuthy reporter type out to the edge of the lake yesterday (which is today, as we write it, but will be yesterday as you read it) to determine the rate of meltage, based on the mathematical formula: T x wind velocity/water temperature x thickness of the ice. Take that number, add it to 492, subtract the year of your birth and you have the number of chocolate desserts you like to eat in a week!
Based on that number (4.8e) you then revert to the Historical Charts of Meltage on Lake Dillon, which shows that NEVER in the history of local reservoir lore has the ice melt contraption fallen in the water in April! There is a good 20-foot-wide crack in the ice near the dam, and we still have a full week to go before May.
Thus, we theorize why the Ice Melt Contraption will take the plunge a little early this year:
?) Global warming (duh)
J) The “flush factor” warming the effluent from local water treatment plants
+) Remember the “Drink this, Denver!” bumper stickers? We need say no more.
@) Higher traffic on the Dam Road
–) Aquarius is in the house of Leo – and Leo’s wife is calling 911
) The average velocity of a European swallow is exceeding the momentum of the Earth’s gravitational pull on Jupiter’s Moon #6
S) Too many people breathing. (And politicians speaking.) If you’d stop breathing, winters would last longer.
So get those Ice Melt guesses in, like, yesterday. Because if they’re not in, they don’t count, even if the ice melts … now! Or …. now! Now! …. Now!
And stay … away … from … the edges. It be chilly out there.
Speaking of chilly, just what is going on in our weather out there? First we were teased by a week of solid double-digit warm weather, and ever since it’s slumped into weeks on end of wind, snow, wind, single-digit temperatures and wind. Somewhere, far south of Summit Up Land, is a wall against which all of OUR winter snow is layered, having blown there in the hurricanes we’ve had this season. It would probably make a good ski hill.
Speaking of chocolate, which we weren’t, we have just learned you can eat chocolate and optimize your brain power.
We knew this – this is just as obvious as “If you feed your kid four pounds of sugar before they go to bed, they will sleep the night through” – and now want to share it with you, in real documentation-style format.
Take this simple test:
? How much have you lost in your life by being mentally sluggish or sub-par?
? How many missed opportunities?
? Are there things you could be doing that would make you more successful?
If your answers are “yes,” “three” and “robbing a bank,” chocolate could be for you!
Leading diet and lifestyle expert (and painter) Ori Hofmekler has just written the Warrior Diet, which despite its misleading title does not involve hunting cute little rabbits or pillaging Rome, but takes place in Hershey, Penn., or Godiva, France, or Swiss Chocolate Land, Switzerland, where chocolate grows in abundance.
Here are your tips to mental tenacity and vigor:
Avoid a big breakfast, eat chocolate, minimize your sugar consumption, eat carbohydrates only at night and eat blueberries. These tips, however, aren’t complete without the 22 other tips, so you’re supposed to buy the book.
So never mind. We’re going to perch on the edge of lake and watch the Ice Melt Contraption fall … now! Or … now! Now!
Or May 5 at 15:37:22 and 53 degrees. C’mon sunshine!
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