December 5, 2005
Good morning, and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column honking at truckers’ butt cracks. On a recent excursion to Vail, our field agents encountered the best rubber-necking experience ever. It made up for a disappointing trip to the mega-mountain, wherein false advertising lured the agents over the pass. You see, Sunday morning, Vail’s friendly phone personality assured us China Bowl was opening. We’ve come to trust her, so we braced ourselves against the bitter cold and ridiculous amount of people. Then we waited in line for a half hour because lifties were late opening the chair. Long story short: We were one of the first of 15 at the rope line at China Bowl, only to hear a patroller tell us they weren’t opening the bowl that day.
Apparently they don’t realize that’s like putting five free lines of cocaine in front of an addict and telling him he can’t have any. And in this case, the lines we had to pass up cost us $10 in parking fees. Luckily, we were able to attend our PA – Powder Addicts Anonymous – meeting that night. Our sponsors told us to write about our resentments, so we decided a Summit Up – shared with all of our beloved readers who can feel our pain – would help us feel much better than writing about our resentments in private and quietly reading them to our sponsors.
So now that we’ve gotten that off of our chests, we can return to butt cracks. On our way home, we saw the longest crack we’ve ever seen. We didn’t even know they came in such varieties.Lines of truckers blocked the shoulder and one lane of Vail Pass Sunday afternoon as they chained up. Truck after truck, it was the same sight: Unprepared drivers shivering as they laid out chains. But one stood out: All we could see was a pair of jeans with at least 8 inches of butt crack hanging out the top. Traffic slowed us to about 10 mph, so we saw enough crack to last a lifetime. No boxers, just bare bum. It was well worth the trip.