Summit Up 12-31-10: Lovingly recycled old stuff day, Pt. II
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that can’t believe 2010 is over! Dang, where’d the time go, blah blah blah? Ach, let’s skip the trite expressions about the end of the year and cut right to the chase: more random snippits from our Summit Up Greatest Hits of 2010 archive. Fasten your seat belts and try to keep up:***Just who is St. Patrick? Wasn’t there something about snakes?Ah, yes, there is the legend that St. Patrick (c. 387-493 AD) banished all the snakes from Ireland. But according to this article on ol’ Wikipedia we’re looking at, Ireland really never had snakes since it’s kinda cold. Since there’s always room to pack on more made-up stuff on a legend, we’re going to go ahead and say that St. Patrick also banished the following things that were never in Ireland from Ireland:• Pokemon games• Sarah Jessica Parker• Arm & Hammer brand baking soda• Sugar gliders• Kelp• Vegemite• Green beer• Corned beef• Soap• Weird Al Yankovich recordsWay to go, St. Patrick! You totally rocked on banishing all that largely unnecessary stuff! ***Have you ever thought it would be cool to “scramble fighter jets?” We hear it in the movies when a terse general says “Scramble the F-16s,” and we always think “Wow, jet scrambling! Wish we could do that!”Well, it turns out you can! All you have to do is go into the restroom on an airplane and light a cigarette. Next thing you know, jets will be scrambling, air marshals will be marshaling and cable news will go bananas. ***… a few odd facts about hummingbirds we’re making up as we go along:-Did you know the F-18 was based on hummingbird physiology?-The average hummingbird drinks 14 gallons of nectar a day, yet it pee/poops (you know that weird thing birds do) 14.7 gallons per day. Weird!-The Ecuadorian hummingbird is known for its jealous tendencies and extreme nationalist sensibilities. If it sees another hummingbird – say a Bolivian Blue – drinking from its favorite feeder, it will go on the offensive. It will attempt to subert Bolivia’s banking system through hacked software. It will create disinformation campaigns about unsanitary conditions in La Paz restaurants. It has even been known to disrupt the other bird’s country’s UN delegations. It’s one flippin’ jealous bird!-The male hummingbird is a jerk, mostly. Narcissistic to the nth degree, male hummers have been known to wait three whole days after a first date to call back a female bird. They will sell out their own mother in order to purchase the special beak wax they prefer, and they will die before they go out of the nest without blow-drying their feathers.***… welcomes everyone to ‘Lection Day! Yes, you may have heard that Scoundrel A is facing Scoundrel B in this here midterm dealio, and that if you vote for one or t’other our world as we know it will end in a cataclysm of awfulness, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Raymond Scum was elected chancellor of the exchequeur in New Brimblebury and later went on to abscond with every red shilling in said province, which he then used to fund an organization the sole purpose of which was to evict widows and orphans and beat puppies.***We’re aware that there’s an old nog tradition going back to Ye Olden Days in England and such places. We’re guessing the phlegmy nog you buy in the grocery store bears little resemblance to these nogs of yore, which were made with milk and sugar and eggs and probably old-timey stuff like treacle, grog, molasses wort and brimstone spirits. The “nog” part of its name, Wikipediat tells us, may stem from the word “noggin,” a Middle English term used to describe a small, wooden, carved mug used to serve alcohol.”OK, that’s enough used crapola. See you in 2011 with all new, totally fresh material!Be safe. Be smart. Be merry, etc.We out.
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