Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that seems to be struggling with the fickle weather.
We just can’t seem to find a comfortable mode of dress the past week or so. We get up, we look at the weather channel, we even pack a change of clothes when we’re heading out, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Everybody calls it “mud season,” but it’s more like “in-between weather season”: We can’t wear sandals because it’s too cold; but our feet our sweating in our shoes. We put on shorts, but then feel too cold up top and have to put on a long-sleeved shirt.
Maybe you folks are able to deal with this without thinking about it, but for those of us whose sanity already is precariously balanced on the razor’s edge, it’s just not healthy.
People are always writing, phoning and e-mailing us, politely informing us that we don’t know how to write. They like to correct our grammar and spelling, among other things. We have trouble explaining why we do things the way we do but, fortunately, our pal Gary sent us these “Writer’s Rules,” which we seem to follow to a T, so we thought we’d head off any complaints you were writing today. Here they are; feel free to share them with your pre-school age children:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Don’t use no double negatives.
12. Proffer carefully to see if you any words out.
7. Organize your writing so that it makes sense.
We’re guessing this Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! is from a less-than-satisfied Breckenridge Resort employee:
“I would like to give a Scum Alert to the brains behind the employee ski day at Breckenridge. Are you so cheap that you can’t have your employees bring a guest? This is even worse than the Christmas party, where for only $30, we could bring a guest. Well, I won’t be there. You can save some money for your next year’s bonus.”
We might add this question: Isn’t every day employee ski day (assuming there’s any snow)?
Finally, here’s a foreign policy solution we can stand behind. Jadestreet e-mailed us this suggestion, which we’ll dutifully forward to Colin Powell:
“I’ve had an inspiration on solving the mid east problem. I propose that FO TV schedule Mssrs. Sharon and Arafat for a celebrity boxing match. The only rule is that they must stay in the ring until a settlement can be made by cooler heads. Fox can continue its course of tacky entertainment, and the world can relax somewhat. (Anything to take this out of W’s hands). My wife, as usual, has topped me: “Drop them off on one of the SURVIVOR Islands and just leave ’em there!’
“Of local problems, Ray Charles and the Powerball people keep telling us how they are making “a more beautiful Colorado.’ When are they going to pony up the loot to bring in several million gallons of fresh water to make Dillon Pond into Lake Dillon again?”
Hey, why don’t we combine both your ideas: a celebrity boxing telethon to raise money to buy water for Lake Dillon. Please, no applause; just another fine world-saving idea from the civic-minded staffers at Summit Up.
Feel free to send your potential Nobel Peace Prize ideas to us (we promise to take only partial credit for them) at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just practice your prize acceptance speech on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
We’re out sweating, or not …
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