Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column bringing you dispatches and sage lessons from the other side of the world.
Gather ’round, young and old, hale and infirm, and even you, too, swarthy men who always seem to be milling around out in front of convenience stores (we have no dress code, you know). The Summit Up South American Expeditionary Force and Horse Surfing Team has returned from its expedition.
Our regular readers will be happy to know – we assume, anyway – that this here space will be returning quickly to the drivel and inane observation to which they are accustomed. Well, it will, just as soon as we get used to the gravity again. See, it’s not all the Spanish or the jet lag that gets you down there, it’s the being upside down. More on this later.
So, we plan on sharing some of the wisdom – the dos and don’ts of the nearly-down under, if you will – we gathered along the way. We’ll try not to overload you all at once, but instead we’ll pepper our pasta with tidbits as the weeks roll along.
And speaking of pepper, here’s a tip for you speculators and prospectors: Apparently, the spice they call “pimiento” in the Latin tongue is as rare as gold and diamonds. We came to this conclusion because you just can’t find the stuff on a restaurant or kitchen table. Our Coloradan conquistadors say you’d think Buenos Aires, Argentina, being a cosmopolitan city of 13 million people, would have discovered the benefits of the black stuff, especially considering they have a per capita cow consumption of about 1.3 – a day. But, no, you’d be wrong; in your South American condiment carousel, you’ll find sugar, vinegar and oil, salt and (where the pepper should be, right in the little shaker) toothpicks.
We imagine you playground pepper pushers will be packing up your stashes and heading across the equator. Here’s another tip: Don’t bother packing your own; just use the bushels they provide on the plane to make the food actually taste like something.
It’s good to be back, Summit Up Land. More later, but for now, let’s get on with it …
Robin from Dillon Valley called. First she had bad news that we didn’t know about. Apparently, some furniture-disposal dipnitz thought the landfill was located off the Ptarmigan cliffs that face her neighborhood, because he or she pitched a sleeper sofa off the high rock walls. On the way down, the sofa’s mattress came off and got hung up on the jags and crags. Robin said this happened some time last year, and everyone in the neighborhood had a great view of the eyesore this summer. So, that’s a Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!!, and we’ll just all hope this bodice-wearing blunderbus gets bedbug bites (can you tell we’re feeling Dr. Seussish?).
But, the real reason Robin called, the good news, the Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! arose when the discarded dormitorio disappeared. This occurred over Labor Day weekend (we were off in the pampas plains of Uruguay, otherwise we would have mentioned it sooner).
“They must have had some ropes and some technical experience,” Robin said. “But whoever did it, they made the whole neighborhood happy.”
Now, that’s a feat normally reserved for guys like Santa Claus. A halo and wing set for whoever can claim credit for that one.
Ladies and gentlemen, has your Wednesday awakened? We’re wondering what you’ve been up to – recount your near misses with monster truck tires at
firstname.lastname@example.org, fax your blueprints for a better arc to (970) 668-0755 or just make falling snow noises on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
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