Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wishing paydays meant those big fat checks they hand out on “The Price Is Right.”
Think about it: How good would morale be at your workplace if, say, once every six weeks or so, the boss gave someone his paycheck in the form of a five-foot long cardboard check? The manager could have some gal in a bikini or a Chippendale strut in with balloons and a smile and award you your earnings in front of the rest of the crew.
Then again, instead of the pride-instilling ceremony we’re imagining, it could be quite humbling when the rest of the staffers see how much we make. Ouch.
We reported yesterday about Summit High’s van-smashing event, part of the Homecoming Week festivities. Darin, a Summit High grad from days of yore, wanted to correct us: His voicemail message said his classmates used to participate in a car-smashing every year, but sometime in the early ’90s the administration put the kibosh on that – because it promotes vandalism, he said.
We appreciate the historical feedback, Darin.
Parents, do you know what your children are reading?
We checked out a copy of the most recent Nickelodeon magazine, which one of the staffers had decided to subscribe to on behalf of her son. (“He begged and begged, and I finally caved,” she said.) This particular issue was the “gross out issue.” However, we have our doubts any other issue gets any better.
Parents will be happy to know the magazine includes tons of informative and enlightening material: ads for junk food, bikes, video games and the machines that play them, pop records (sorry, CDs), cosmetics, TV shows and more junk food. But you’ll be happy to know there’s also an ad for milk (showing a jock with a milk moustache).
Now, before you get all huffy wondering how any self-respecting publication aimed at impressionable children can fill its pages with such consumer-oriented drivel, we should tell you about all the good editorial content in this mag: Well, there’s the question and answer page with such gems as “What is poop?” “What is the white stuff inside a pimple?” and “What would happen to a dirty shirt if you never washed it?” There’s a page of “Revolting but true facts”; which is good, because America’s children need to know that “The average person produces about 12,000 gallons of urine during a lifetime” and that “Termites fart” (you never know what’s going to pop up on those tests at school).
Our favorite has to be the “Which way to Boogertown?” page, which features a map of American cities with gross names (Colon, Ga., Livermore, Colo. and Dirty Nose Lake, Minn., to name a few).
And we wonder why they can’t do as well as the Japanese kids on the math and science tests. (Maybe if we gave our kids pornographic comic books they’d do better in school, huh?)
Friday is for fiddle music. Why don’t we have more of it in Summit Up Land? Send your theories on that to
email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just give us a little pizzicato on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out trying to cash this big piece of cardboard …
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