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Summit Up

SUMMITUP

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s singing and swaying and spitting in the name of future generations from atop a bar in the local pubs.We were bummin’ around the Corporate Suites all day for Patty, wondering when we’d get the chance to dash madly into a staggering state of insobriety, and this is not to infer that drinking for St. Paddy’s Day is something that needs to occur.We’ll get there eventually, and don’t worry, we’re not driving. We would just like to wish a little good schwill toward all people, since we can’t seem to keep the peace on Earth.”Shut your chat holes,” we begin. “It’s time to learn about the truth about everything (hiccup!). Ahem … as we sit atop this bar, we can only see so far. The cutbacks on smoking and the solar-powered car, the musician’s crescendo and the long-shining star, the fresh powder turn and the beating-heart avatar; these signs of attempted progress and perpetual hope are. We blather and blush, and curl up flush with strangers who’ll say ‘hush’ when we snore and gush over the jungle fruit’s lush and the street pimp’s plush. Now (belch!), we’d like to take this opportunity to leer shamelessly at all of the beautiful young people in this boozin’ barn … (fart!) … ah, that’s the stuff. For all of you pretty little rookies, we have gathered some words of advice: Don’t get too wrapped up in seriousness. The universe is a cool place to explore. Get tenure before messing around with quantum gravity. Stretch your body every day in your own way. Modify your stretching when you feel ‘pain.’ Also: Work like you don’t need the money – but make lots and share it with us. Love like you’ve never been hurt – but don’t love just to get a T-Shirt. And, dance like nobody is watching – unless you want us to watch (wink, wink!).”We thought we’d end this segment with a stanza from William S. Burroughs’ “Words Of Advice For Young People.” How about an honorable bargain? “You always wanted to become a doctor. Now’s your chance. Why, you could have become a great healer and benefit humanity. What’s wrong with that?” Just about everything. There are no honorable bargains involving exchange of qualitative merchandise like souls. Just quantitative merchandise like time and money. So piss off, Satan, and don’t take me for dumber than I look. As an old junk pusher told me, “Watch whose money you pick up.”***Do not rob, son. Yep, we got a Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! “Our White 1997 Toyota Landcruiser was stolen on Wednesday from the Wal-Mart parking lot. It has double ski racks on top and a large grille over the front. We have no insurance to cover the loss. Please, if anyone sees this car, call us at (970)468-5012. We are not wealthy people and this has been a huge blow to our family. If you took it, please just let us know where it is. We are offering a $500 reward for information leading the recovery of our car. Thank-you, Robin Robson.”Hey thieves! That was very mean and bad! Return the vehicle or prepare for a life of losing!***We’re out, hangin’ out hungover at one of the 500-plus gatherings for change going on this weekend regarding the three-year anniversary of the United States’ invasion of Iraq.


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