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Summit Up

contaminated shoes

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column comin’ at ya from the land of sticky keyboards. Yup, that’s right, we get gifted here at the Summit Up Corporate Suites on a semi-regular basis, no doubt in gratitude for our rapier wit and in homage to our boyish and girlish good looks and incredible fashion sense. But sometimes the offering that was left by our multitudinous fans gets in the way of our success. Like today, as we arrived at HQ, we found a loaf of apple-cinnamon twist cake on the table in our humble yet-ever-so-cozy staff kitchen, verily redolent of delicious sweet spice and chewy white-flour goodness, along with bits of apple and a thick layer of icing.It was this last bit – the icing – that has caused us problems to no end. Too make a long story short, our fffffingers were stickkkking to our kkkkkeyboards like nnnnobody’s business, and in the end, we had to call our ace computer tech guy and ask for help. And since we couldn’t really admit that we gummed up our keyboard with icing, we had to make up a big lie so that he would help us and not turn us in to the computer police. So we told him it was alien blood; that a UFO landed right outside our corporate digs and some sort of slimy silicone life-form oozed through the doorjambs and across the floor and infiltrated our computer systems trying to steal the latest in Summit Daily News information technology in a classically quaint bid for domination of the known universe. After a fierce battle with these slime-wielding fiends, we fended them off and were able to maintain the integrity of the free world, at least for another few weeks, but we did end up with quite a bit of alien blood on our hands.

Needless to say, our computer tech guy was not impressed with our story and basically just told us to go wash our hands after snacking and before going back to work. But luckily, he did have some pretty strong solvent that did the trick, which is lucky for our readers, who crave their daily dose of Summit Up, so we can continue the cycle of delivering our wisdom and getting more gooey and tasty treats in return.***We’re thinking of starting a new summer trend here in the High Country. Based on recent events surrounding the Blue River and the North Fork, we believe that we should celebrate diversity by tinting our rivers different hues on different days or weekends and color-themed festivals to go along with that. Heck, since we can’t seem to keep this toxic sludge out of the waterways anyway, why not just go with the flow (pun intended). We’ve got rainbow trout, why not rainbow streams to go along with the fish. We could sell T-shirts in colors to match the different days, with witty slogans like … ummmm … “Toxic spill is such a thrill, gives us all a goosebump chill.” And then we could advertise Colorado’s Playground as the only mountain destination resort in the world with rivers running all the colors of the rainbow. OK, we’re going to move on to something that is a bit funnier than toxic mine waste and industrial paint, and that is, as far as we know, the world’s first “Blond Guy” joke. This is along the lines of all the “Dumb Blond” jokes that we know and love so well, like, you know, the one about the brunette driving along Dillon Dam Road with her blond girlfriend in the passenger seat. All of a sudden, the driver notices a police car pulling out of a parking space and asks her blond friend to turn around and see if the cop is flashing his lights.

The blond replies: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes no …”But that’s old stuff and we are trying to break these moldy sexual stereotypes, showing that blond guys can be just as dumb (remember Kato Kaelin, anyone?). So without further ado, here it is:An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were working on the scaffolding 20 stories high on a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, “Burrito again! If I get burritos one more time, I am going to jump off, too!”The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I am jumping, too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, so he jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, so he jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna and jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping: “If I had known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!” The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I did not realize he hated burritos so much.”Now everyone turned and stared at the wife of the blonde guy. She said: “Don’t look at me, he makes his own lunch.”***It’s Tuesday, and we’re out lllllicking our fingers …

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