Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column seriously contemplating perching on our balcony with a bb gun waiting to scare off a helpless creature.Even as we write this, we can’t believe our minds have drifted to such a despicable low, but we’re desperate. We’re losing sleep and we don’t know what else to do.Our problem is with a member of the Picidae family, commonly known as the woodpecker.For the past week, this brightly-colored bird has awoken us just after dawn with a racket so loud that it seems as though it’s boring holes in our dining room table.
We’re pretty sure it’s actually pecking into wood on a tree outside our balcony, but at 6 a.m., it can be tough to tell what is reality and what’s delirium.We’ve tried stuffing our heads under two layers of thick pillows, but the rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap-rap noise floats through the feathers clear as day.The ‘pecker generally sticks around for about 20 minutes before flapping its wings off to another porch to serve as an unwanted alarm clock for someone else.But, we can’t ever recover from its early-morning food foraging/mating call. We’re left tossing and turning, falling in and out of fits of sleep cursing the woodpecker all the while.We’ve read that the birds’ drumming is heavier in the springtime, as they mark their territory, search for food or drill out a nest, and boy, do we ever believe it.
Recently, a vegetarian friend who had bragged earlier in the day that he wasn’t wearing a single product made from any part of an animal revealed, “This is the first time I’ve ever wanted to kill an animal” after the rude awakening he received by the otherwise harmless animal.We have found, also, that we aren’t the only ones seeking desperate measures to get back our two to three hours of lost sleep.A friend in Breckenridge said he was convinced the only solution was a bb gun, which got us thinking.Now, don’t get us wrong. We would never actually aim and fire at the poor bird, we were just thinking of firing off a couple rounds to scare it away.And really, we do enjoy birds quite a bit. We find that their chirping and singing is a splendid accompaniment to a day hike, and we would venture that there’s nothing better than relaxing in the sun on the porch and seeing a bird painted with deep blues and reds flutter onto the balcony, explore and fly away.
But, as we said before, our desperation has forced us to stoop to a new level. Dark circles are beginning to form under our eyes, and we find ourselves dozing off at rather inappropriate times (i.e. work).Alas, we realized that our control method sounded slightly harsh, so we did some research to see what else is out there to keep the pests at bay.Turns out using a toy cap gun to scare away woodpeckers is actually quite common. Maybe we’ll go that route. After all, we’d hate for the police to get involved.***It’s Monday and we’re out stringing up fake owls and snakes on our porch, so drop us a line at email@example.com.
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