Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that can’t wait for all this election crud to be over with – and we’ve still got three weeks to wade through this slop.
It doesn’t help that the elections in Summit Up Land are pretty much over with. Although we’re glad we don’t have to put up with the mud-slinging and wisecracks (the audiences at debates can be awfully mean to the candidates), it’d be nice to have a choice. But, as the five politically informed readers out there know, we only had two contested races locally, and those were over during the primaries.
But what really gets us is the stuff we’re expected to vote on. Who, might we ask, runs a campaign to win a spot on the CU Board of Regents? What, do they have great lunches at those meetings or something? Don’t give us that hoo-ha about giving back and making a difference. When’s the last time you read a newspaper article about a parade honoring all the hard work they’ve done?
Then, let’s see: There’s this senator race. We’re supposed to decide between Wayne Bush, er, Allard (sorry), the guy who took the money from all these CEOs that busted their mega-corporations, or Tom Strickland, the guy who lobbied for them in Washington. Anybody remember Richard Pryor’s character in “Brewster’s Millions” and his campaign slogan?
We’re supposed to vote on whether the state should have a Cesar Chavez Day. If you’re scratching your head asking, “Who?” we believe we’ve made our point.
Ah, we could go on, but we want you to actually pay attention to what we’re saying.
We were wondering about how to decipher those thank you signs we see around highway construction sites, and Alex, our Hollywood field agent in charge of figuring out exactly what kind of head wound resulted in Anna Nicole Smith getting her own TV show, had these theories to offer:
? They’re thanking you, the taxpayer, for paying for the project, in full and on-time, even though chances are said project ran hugely over budget, was done shoddily and improperly and inconvenienced the hell out of you for the past 18 months, even though it was supposed to take only four.
? They’re thanking themselves for successfully shaking down you, the taxpayer/driver, as well as the dupes at the state, county or municipality public works department who picked them to do the job.
? They’re thanking god or the fates or the universe they’re highway construction workers in the U.S rather than laid-off communications industry workers or severely underpaid small-town journalists.
? The hope is that the confusing thank-you message will cause addled town planning commissioners to think in the future, “Oh, those Acme Orange Hat guys, they’re swell, aren’t they?” And then they get the next job at an increased rate.
Tell us your deepest, darkest secrets at
email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or confess them on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237. It’s Friday, so you’ll feel better before going out … until you read the paper Monday and we’ve printed all of it. But we can discuss that later.
We’re out at the Tool concert trying to get backstage and steal Maynard’s wigs …
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