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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column plunging deeper and deeper into toilet trivia.If you remember last Tuesday – or maybe you don’t so we’ll remind you – we wrote about a bunch of Japanese engineers who are trying to outdo one another in the race to the full-service loo. We wrote of a john that pinches your heinie and measures your body fat and another invention that raises the lid when it detects someone coming toward it.Well, there are others. You knew that, didn’t you?There are now toilets that:$) Greet a toilet user and blast air through twin nozzles onto the rear of the sittee.L) Measure a toilet user’s urine sugar level by making a “collection” with a little spoon held by a retractable mechanical arm.() Spray jets of water to “wash and massage the buttocks.” This is an extremely popular feature in Japan, although hosts are advised to warn their guests as surprises have resulted in disastrous trauma.#) Take commands: Open sesame! Flush! Blow! Pinch!) Neutralize odors. Need we say more? We didn’t think so.k) Measure heart rates, weights, fat and blood pressure (we don’t want to see the cuff for this procedure) andr) Offer Internet capabilities so you can download pertinent information to your doctor.We see Big Brother sipping urine to determine who’s using drugs.***In case you haven’t heard, we’re in a drought. That means our rivers are turning to trickles, our reservoirs are turning to puddles and our wells are gurgling. Gurgle, gurgle.People this summer stopped watering their lawns. We started drinking more beer. We washed our cars even less than we usually do. We didn’t flush. We got to know our friends a little better by sharing showers. We didn’t wash our clothes. We told wait staff they could serve us our lunch on dirty plates. Some people in Denver even stopped watering their sidewalks! People have really gone overboard to do their part!We have a new water-saving hint!This was brought to us by none other than County Commissioner Tom Long, who is not running for office, so he’s not brown-nosing anyone and therefore, we can mention him in Summit Up. Tom’s serious about saving water.He’s passing out little coasters, on which you can set your glass of water, that read, “Real Men Dry Shave.” The coasters were made by Denver Water, that Front Range conglomerate with a long, long straw that sucks the water out of Lake Dillon and sprays it on sidewalks in Denver all summer.We wonder, because we often do, if Denver Water is distributing these coasters on the Front Range as well as up here in the High Country. Because if not, we might just have to use them as little Frisbees and see who can toss them across the widest stretch of Dillon Pond.Ving! Ving-ving!Ow. Dry shaving. That’s gotta hurt.***What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?We out.


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