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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column shakin’ and a’quakin’ to get out there and score some loot in the form of candy – and lots of it!But first, we must warn all trick-or-treaters to be safe. Here are a few hints we think will help while out freezing your bums off in the “hood.G) When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.?) Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.) Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language they should not know, shoot them immediately. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.L) When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.@) As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.) If you’re searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out it’s “just the cat,” GET THE HECK OUT!o) If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. GET THE HECK OUT!A) Never take ANYTHING from the dead.#) If you find a town that looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.5) If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice – more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact you’re running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness and so on, kill them immediately.!) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize that one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.x) Beware of strangers bearing tools, for example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws or any devices made from deceased companions.c) When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear flimsy negligees. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.r) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think it’s strange you ran out of gas because you thought you just had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.Happy trick or treating!* * *We were just witness to some of the most terrifying, horrifying, petrifying, scary tricksters to ever cross the threshold of the Inside Out Dishwasher.Here we were, minding our own business by coming up with creative ways to twist the news, when a throng of short humans entered the building yelling for sugar-laden treats.We had no other option than to fill their treat-bags with dead plants, empty soda cans, fish food – no wait! We kid! We filled their faces with enough candy to keep them awake for three fortnights, whatever those are. Just think: Little kids with more energy than a Jack Russell terrier.You’re welcome, parents!* * *We’re going out to check on the status of that dragon we slayed/slew in the parking lot. Rumor has it that it has M&M’s. Mmmm. M&M’s.


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