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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column –


– But first, from our e-mail correspondence desk (sound of typewriters click-clacking away):

You knew this was inevitable: A man is seriously beaten up in Breckenridge, and the e-mails start pouring in about how Vail Resorts is to blame.


Yup! A few people out there in Summit Up Land believe the so-called “bitch” ads placed in various niche magazines early this season are working, and they’re bringing “that bad element” to town.

“Congratulations,” one e-mail author wrote. “With the recent outbreak of drunken violence, it would be prudent to add to your advertising campaign: “… but the town is your bitch” by stating that you’ll have so much fun here you may NEVER leave.”

Yikes. We wish the victim of this senseless beating a quick recovery. And, to the thugs who did it: Remember, there are two kinds of drunks in this world: ugly and angry. We think you fit the criteria.

* * *

Speaking of outer space, as we were with our reference to Tang, scientists aboard the International Space Station – flying above Earth in a sky near you – are bringing in the first soybean crop and analyzing seeds to determine if they (the beans, not the astro-scientists) have any desirable, unique traits. Finding improved varieties could have a significant economic impact on the soybean business, which is worth billions of dollars each year.

Researchers believe that living a life in zero-gravity could change a plant’s chemistry. If we recall correctly from the days when a friend of our niece’s roommate’s boyfriend’s step-father’s son grew something under very bright lights in the closet of his dorm, this is entirely possible.

We believe there was some zero gravity going on in that closet because, based on our niece’s roommate’s boyfriend’s step-father’s son’s behavior, the bright lights glowing from beneath the door completely sucked all the oxygen from the dorm room. Thus, we believe there was a chemical change somewhere. We are not sure if it resulted in desirable, unique traits.

Anyhow, and this is an Actual Quote: “This experiment is paving the way for improving crops grown on Earth, as well as potentially feeding people living in space.”

Excuse us for being so incredibly ignorant, but have we left a few colonies of people out there on our past ventures to the Great Beyond? Are they not getting adequate nutrition munching on space rocks and NASA debris? Is it our (pick one) moral, ethical, legal or natural responsibility to feed them? Isn’t feeding half of Rwanda enough? Are other countries pitching in to get soybeans into outer space? Can you actually get something INTO OUTER space?

Here is another actual quote from Science Officer Peggy Whitson, whose name sounds like something from sixth-grade science class, but who in fact was the one responsible for the care and maintenance of the soybeans.

She reports: “The beans looked mature and the leaves are turning brown.”

That’s it?! They looked mature and the leaves turned brown?!

As taxpayers, we are ever so glad we’ve spent millions – possibly even billions – of dollars to see what happens to plants when you send them into space.

* * *

Today is it! IT, we tell ya!

If you haven’t already done so, you need to get your heinie to the polls and VOTE! If you don’t think your vote matters, we remind you of the little election day history lesson/fiasco we learned two years ago in Florida: Even if you win the popular vote, the Electoral College (based in New Jersey, the same state that gave us SAT tests) can steal your victory from you and give the spoils to the loser!

This is one of many reasons we should get rid of the Electoral College. But that’s not one of the issues on today’s ballot because otherwise voters would set records in the “I give a bullocks about my nation, and I vote!” department. They would flock to the polls, overwhelm the systems and everyone would ultimately throw their support behind Sadaam Hussein and we’d have to free all our prisoners in gratitude.

Just think how the outcome at the polls could be disrupted if people actually came out to vote! Issues could be solved! Regimes could be overthrown! Justice could be had, although still at a very high price!

So get thee to a polling place and vote Yes, No, No, Yes and Sure, What the Heck!

* * *

Kathy, from land, sent us the photo above of the St. Bernard/cow spotted (get it? Spotted?) on Frisco’s Main Street Halloween night. She thinks it would be a crying shame if the dog doesn’t make the paper.

So, to keep Kathy from crying, we hereby print Elsie the Bernard. Enjoy!

* * *

We’re huddled in a closet soaking up bright lights.

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